Yay, I have sandals!

Jun. 22nd, 2017 04:34 pm
aunty_marion: Thee is not required to attain perfection (IDIC-Kraith)
[personal profile] aunty_marion
As Some Of You May Know (Bob), I spent last weekend 'mum-sitting', i.e. spending the nights with my ex-boss's elderly mother, who has mild Alzheimer's; Suky wanted desperately to be able to get away for more than one night without worrying about her mother, so she booked me to stay there. (She lives in Walthamstow, but she's over there about every other day.) Anyhow, it seemed to go OK, though the travelling down to Mornington Crescent in that heat was exhausting; and she paid me in advance.

So I'd drawn out some of the dosh for spending money, and have topped up my Amazon account with a bit; Paypal's not too bad at the moment, so that can wait. But today I went up to North Finchleyand bought stuff )

Only down point of the day, really, was that I found a mouse in one of the traps this morning. Obviously dead, so I had breakfast before disposing of it. I hope I'm not going to get another influx; it's been over a year since the last one that got in.

(no subject)

Jun. 21st, 2017 08:12 pm
[syndicated profile] yarn_harlot_feed

Posted by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

Monday was a stinking slag heap of a day. Monday’s scene was scrambled, it couldn’t get itself together, and despite noble, persistent and good-natured attempts by yours truly to bring it around and call it to its higher self, Monday didn’t even try to work things out with me. I tried with Monday, I really did. I tried going for a training ride – it’s been so hard to find the time and energy, only to get a stinking flat tire. (Which I changed, with no amount of struggling for good humour.)  I trudged through it, attempting to charm it into submission, but Monday proved too much for me, and after spending the evening’s knitting time trying to untangle a ball of yarn that had contorted itself into something that looked like it had been in a toddler’s toy chest for a week,  I fell into bed that night thinking the best thing an optimistic person can after a day that’s clearly out to get them, which was “well, at least it’s over.”

Tuesday? Tuesday wasn’t as bad as Monday, but let’s be clear, it lacked the joie de vivre and decent good sense that any day attempting to follow a train-wreck of a Monday should have had. Tuesday didn’t even try.  I gave up on Tuesday last night when it rained on me last night and the porch roof leaked.

Today? Today is, rather literally, sunshine and roses.  I went for a training ride by myself, and it was nothing short of lovely. Not too hot, not too cold, very sunny but I didn’t get a sunburn, my inbox is almost sorta kinda under control, and I am finally ready to start the edging on this baby blanket.

blanketlight2 2017-06-21

The chart I devised even works, and I have a clever idea for the corners that I think will work, though I’m not far enough off from Monday and Tuesday’s pale curse to go so far as to say I’m confident. My jeans fit just right, and tonight I’m having dinner (it’s Joe’s turn to arrange it) and a cuddle with Elliot Tupper, and he has learned to smile and has the beginnings of a clumsy laugh,  and does his best to pretend he likes me best. (Joe will argue and say it’s him that’s the favourite, and even that charms me.)

Happy Summer Solstice, my friends (except for Cameron and other knitters in the Southern hemisphere – for them it’s one of my favourite days, the Winter Solstice. Light a candle. As of today, the light is on it’s way back to you.) Tonight we’ll sit in the garden, ignore the weeds, and marvel at how long it stays light.

How’s your day?

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[personal profile] copperbadge
I was reading this one at the same time as I was reading Sorting The Beef From The Bull, which was like a natural sciences one-two punch; I would read Sorting while commuting, and Remarkable Creatures in bed at night. 

Remarkable Creatures is the fictionalized story of two real-life people, Mary Anning and Elizabeth Philpot, who were fossil hunters in Lyme Regis in England back when we were just starting to like, figure dinosaurs out. It follows their relationship, and their struggles to be seen as legitimate contributors to the scientific record, for several years.

I didn’t actually know the account was based in real life until after I’d finished reading, which did ameliorate some of my disappointment with the book, because it’s hard to make a climactic narrative out of peoples’ real lives – reality just doesn’t flow as smoothly as fiction. But I won’t lie: I am still pretty disappointed that Elizabeth and Mary didn’t end up together. I thought that was totally where we were heading.

Mind you, the story of their friendship is compelling, and Chevalier did find a way to create rising action within the story, even though as she put it in the afterword, Mary Anning basically did the same thing every day for years, in terms of hunting fossils. 

As an account of fossil hunting, of the religious wrestling that people had to do with the concept of extinction, and of the way women were treated in the era, it’s a really great book. And it’s also a fast read, which I’ve come to expect from Chevalier. And honestly, this is the first book of hers I’ve read where the female leads don’t get married, though this is in part because the real-life Mary and Elizabeth didn’t either. 

But it still feels like Chevalier’s books are always about women settling. It’s the same problem – I know that’s what women have had to do, and I’m sure she does it intentionally at least in part to remind us of that fact. I just want more for these heroines. 

But if you’re interested in paleontology, Do Recommend, it’s a good book. Less frustrating than The Last Runaway, certainly, and the characters feel more compelling, more three-dimensional, than some of those in Girl With A Pearl Earring. 

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Savage Love

Jun. 21st, 2017 04:00 am
[syndicated profile] savagelove_feed

Posted by Dan Savage

Woman's "perfect" guy charmed her before admitting he's already in a poly relationship by Dan Savage

I am a 34-year-old straight woman. I'm monogamous and have an avoidant attachment style. I've been seeing a guy I really like. He's just my type, the kind of person I've been looking for my whole life. Thing is, he's in an open relationship with someone he's been with for most of his adult life. He was sneaky—he didn't reveal he was in an open relationship until the second date, but by then I was infatuated and felt like I wasn't in control of my actions. So what I've learned is that poly couples often seek out others to create NRE or "new relationship energy," which may help save their relationship in the long run. I was deeply hurt to learn about NRE. What about the people who are dragged into a situation by some charmer in an attempt to breathe new life into a stale relationship? I feel like no one cares about the people on the side, the ones who might be perceived to be cheating with someone's partner, as some sort of competitor, a hussy. How can I reconcile the fact that I've fallen for someone who sees me as a tool to be discarded once the excitement wears off? I know we all have a choice, but we also know what it's like to be infatuated with someone who seems perfect. I feel like such a loser.

Sobbing Here And Making Errors

"One of life's hardest lessons is this: Two people can be absolutely crazy in love with each other and still not be good partners," said Franklin Veaux, coauthor of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (morethantwo.com). "If you're monogamous and you meet someone you're completely smitten with who isn't, the best thing to do is acknowledge that you're incompatible and go your separate ways. It hurts and it sucks, but there it is."

This perfect, sneaky guy who makes you feel like a loser and a hussy? He told you he was in an open relationship on your second date. You knew he wasn't "your type" or "perfect" for you the second time you laid eyes on him, SHAME, and you needed to go your separate ways at that point. And I'm not buying your excuse ("I was too infatuated!"). What if he had revealed that he was a recreational bed wetter? Or a serial killer? Or Jeffrey Lord? Or all of the above? Surely you would've dumped him then.

Veaux advocates ethical polyamory—it's right there in the title of his book—and he thinks this guy did you wrong by not disclosing his partner's existence right away. "Making a nonmonogamous relationship work requires a commitment to communication, honesty, and transparency," said Veaux. "Concealing the fact that you're in a relationship is a big violation of all three, and no good will come of it."

I have a slightly different take. Straight women in open relationships have an easier time finding men willing to fuck and/or date them; their straight male counterparts have a much more difficult time. Stigma and double standards are at work here—she's sexually adventurous; he's a cheating bastard—and waiting to disclose the fact that you're poly (or kinky or HIV-positive or a cammer) is a reaction to/work-around for that. It's also a violation of poly best practices, like Veaux says, but the stigma is a violation, too. Waiting to disclose your partner, kink, HIV status, etc., can prompt the other person to weigh their assumptions and prejudices about poly/kinky/poz people against the living, breathing person they've come to know. Still, disclosure needs to come early—within a date or two, certainly before anyone gets fucked—so the other person can bail if poly/kinky/poz is a deal breaker.

As for that new relationship energy stuff...

"There are, in truth, polyamorous people who are NRE junkies," said Veaux. "Men and women who chase new relationships in pursuit of that emotional fix. They're not very common, but they do exist, and alas they tend to leave a lot of destruction in their wake."

But your assumptions about how NRE works are wrong, SHAME. Seeing your partner in the throes of NRE doesn't bring the primary couple closer together; it often places a strain on the relationship. Opening up a relationship can certainly save it (if openness is a better fit for both partners), but NRE isn't a log the primary couple tosses on the emotional/erotic fire. It's something a poly person experiences with a new partner, not something a poly person enjoys with an established one.

And there are lots of examples of long-term poly relationships out there—established triads, quads, quints—so your assumption about being discarded once NRE wears off is also off, SHAME. There are no guarantees, however. If this guy were single and looking for a monogamous relationship, you could nevertheless discover you're not right for each other and wind up being discarded or doing the discarding yourself.

I'm going to give the final word to our guest expert...

"Having an avoidant attachment style complicates things, because one of the things that can go along with avoidant attachment is idealizing partners who are inaccessible or unavailable," said Veaux. "That can make it harder to let go. But if you're radically incompatible with the person you love, letting go is likely your only healthy choice. Good luck!"


I'm gay and married. My husband regularly messes around with this one guy who treats me like I'm a cuckold. He will send me a pic of my husband sucking his cock, for example, and a text message meant to degrade me. But I'm not a cuckold and I don't find these messages sexy. My husband wants me to play along because it gets this guy off. Advice?

Can't Understand Cuckold Kink

It depends, CUCK. If you're upset by these messages—if they hurt your feelings, are damaging your sexual connection to your husband, are traumatizing—don't play along. But if you find them silly—if they just make you roll your eyes—then play along. Respond positively/abjectly/insincerely, then delete. Not to please the guy sending the messages (who you don't owe anything), but to please your husband (who'll wind up owing you).


I am a straight male grad student in my mid-20s. My girlfriend wants to have sex with another girl in our class. Neither of us have had a threesome before, but both of us are game. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to this girl. When we started dating, my girlfriend told me that she is sexually attracted to women. We agreed to be monogamous except that she could have sex with other women as part of a threesome with me. She is not hell-bent on having sex with our classmate, but she would like to and says it's up to me. I don't want her to suppress her same-sex tendencies, but I am jealous at the thought of her having sex with someone else while I am not participating. What should I do?

Feeling Out Moments Orgasmic

You should take yes for an answer, FOMO—or take your girlfriend's willingness to say no to this opportunity for an answer. She's into this woman but willing to pass on her because you aren't. There are billions of other women on the planet—some in your immediate vicinity—so you two have lots of other options. Unless you find a reason to object to every woman your girlfriend finds attractive, you aren't guilty of suppressing her same-sex tendencies. recommended


On the Lovecast, Michael Hobbes on gay, middle-aged dating: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

ITMFA.org

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Fave Cross-Stitch Magazine

Jun. 20th, 2017 11:48 am
ghislaine: "Villette" journal cover. (villette)
[personal profile] ghislaine posting in [community profile] cross_stitch
 Hi, fellow stitchers,

I have a huge weakness for cross-stitch magazines! I discovered them about ten years ago in Barnes and Noble. Many of them there are published in the U.K., and I am in the U.S., so the price can be rather high. I have still purchased several over the years. Recently I found them on Magzter for my iPad for about a fourth of the newsstand price, and I just bought the August 2017 issue of Cross Stitch Crazy. CSC is definitely my favorite, since Quick and Easy Cross Stitch was discontinued years ago. Plus, the overseas magazines in the newsstand often come sporadically, and past their season. I love my e-copy of the magazine, and I can print out the patterns from my iPad as I use them.

Does anyone else buy the cross stitch magazines, either on the newsstand or online? I was just curious about your experiences with them, and your favorite magazine, if you have one!
copperbadge: (Default)
[personal profile] copperbadge
I don’t know why it surprises me, my summers are always bananas, but July looks especially bonkers this year. Of the 20 possible workdays in July, I’m out for conferences, vacation, or workshops for a full half of them. I’m properly working only ten days in the entire month of July. 

I mean, I’m not unhappy about it. And thank god for a great paid leave package. I’m going to be traveling to cool places and doing neat things. It’s just kind of surreal. Like how last year I was only in the office for one week in all of June. 

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[personal profile] copperbadge
Taking a little break from Tracy Chevalier (we’ll be back to her soon)...

So, [tumblr.com profile] terrie01 recommended this book to me during a discussion on food fraud, and it’s been a really...interesting experience. On the one hand it’s a very informative book, packed full of detail and data, but on the other oh man is it dry. I didn’t realize what a struggle it was to get through until I started reading Extra Virginity this morning, which is about the same general topic (focused on olive oil) but is much more engagingly written.

Sorting the Beef From The Bull focuses on food fraud from a legislative and economic angle; I can imagine for people working in the industry it’s a little more accessible, and I don’t think it’s a badly written book. It’s just jammed with a combination of dense law and complex biochemistry, when what I (a non-lawyer, non-scientist) wanted was like...war stories about food fraud.

text )

(no subject)

Jun. 19th, 2017 08:24 am
copperbadge: (radiofreemondaaay)
[personal profile] copperbadge
Good morning everyone, and welcome to Radio Free Monday!

Before we begin, a quick reminder: when you submit a link and a blurb, you guys are your own best advocates. Try to look at the sites you're submitting and think, If I knew nothing about this situation, would what I'm seeing be helpful? And if not, try to include more context. You can give me more than one link, and it's often helpful to do so.

(This isn't specific to this week, just starting to notice a trend over the last six months where not enough context is available for me to write the blurb, let alone for others to be informed about it. Just a gentle nudge in the right direction!)

Ways to Give:

Julie is raising funds to cover rent; she has a job lined up but won't have a paycheck in time for July's rent. (This is a link I'm sharing rather than one that was submitted to RFM, so while I wasn't sure I should post Julie's username, I'll vouch for her personally.) You can read more and support the fundraiser here.

[tumblr.com profile] charlietheskonk is fundraising for a new Montessori preschool with wrap-around care; the fundraiser is to support startup and licensing costs, and supports a queer-owned business. You can read more and reblog here, or check out the fundraiser and give here.

[tumblr.com profile] digitaldiscipline linked to Jenn Vs. Trevor, a charity deadlift battle to raise funds for the winner's local Humane Society branch. You can reblog the link here and read more and donate here.

[tumblr.com profile] rilee16 is still struggling to cover medical expenses after two head injuries last year, and hasn't been cleared to return to work, thus can't earn money to cover basic living costs, let alone the bills they've received, including a recent rent increase. They are frequently running out of money for gas to even do odd jobs for pay. You can read more and help out here.

Help For Free:

Anon linked to the EPA, which is soliciting public comment about the Second Five-Year Review Report for the Hudson River PCBs Superfund site. The report indicates that the levels of PCBs in the river are still too high, but the EPA is not planning any active measures to reduce them. You can read more here and find contact information here to tell the EPA the Hudson River deserves better.

RSF linked to public comments solicitation about a plan to "trim" the US National Monuments; activists are working to make it known how important they are, and that monuments like Bears Ears should be saved. You can learn more and comment here.

News to Know:

[tumblr.com profile] drgaellon linked to a linkslist for religious LGBTQ people who are struggling with their faith's attitudes towards their orientation; included are sites that validate queer orientations for Christian, Jewish, and Muslim faiths, including a site specifically for trans Jewish people. You can find the links and reblog here.

Housing:

[tumblr.com profile] worldsonpaper is looking for a new flatmate in Sydney, 15 minutes by train from the CBD. She is LGBT+ friendly but requests no male applicants. Bedroom with a shared bath, $250/wk plus internet; electricity and water are covered in the rent. $900 bond. You can contact her via ask on tumblr or at wieldswords at gmail.com.

[tumblr.com profile] blackestglass is looking for a roommate in the greater DC/Northern VA area, to move in on August 1. She is in a 2br/2ba condo, Metro accesible, with free parking, gym access, and in-unit laundry. Master suite is available for $1290/mo plus utilities, or the smaller suite is available for $1190/mo, with lower rent if the parking space isn't needed and can be rented out. You can read more and get in touch here.

And this has been Radio Free Monday! Thank you for your time. You can post items for my attention at the Radio Free Monday submissions form. If you're not sure how to proceed, here is a little more about what I do and how you can help (or ask for help!). If you're new to fundraising, you may want to check out my guide to fundraising here.

Stop rewriting this.

Jun. 18th, 2017 04:23 am
pinesandmaples: A rough half of a brown coconut on a green leaf. (theme: gaping maw)
[personal profile] pinesandmaples
There comes a point when flipping the script is actually pretty toxic.

I'm not talking about around issues of oppression, no. Flip away.
I'm talking about flipping our own mental scripts to say that surviving in a healthy way is somehow a failure. Because that is what my brain is up to these days, and my brain is full of shit.

I think it’s in the living room

Jun. 16th, 2017 08:32 pm
[syndicated profile] yarn_harlot_feed

Posted by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

Random thing the first: I got on my bike this morning and took about sixteen deep breaths before pushing off and going to the gym.  (Did I tell you about this? I’ve started picking up heavy things and putting them back down again. I’m absolutely terrible at it, but that’s not the point. Avoiding osteoporosis and staying strong is the goal, so it doesn’t matter that I’m a pathetic weight lifter. I’ve got the bar low. Literally and figuratively.)  Four trips across the continent, a retreat and several birthdays in a row have finally managed to knock the organization off me and left everything a mess. (The fact that my unpacked suitcase is still in the middle of the living room is a terrible sign. Note to self, tidy that.) I’ve also given up trying to make a blog post with flow.

2. The retreat was great, as it always is, and the yarn bombings were beyond compare – as you can imagine from a group inspired by World Wide Knit in Public Day. (We tried to knit in public, but when you’re at a knitting retreat it’s hard because knitters are the public. We did our best.

knitinpublic 2017-06-16

3. We had some fantastic yarn bombings this time, but I think this was my absolute favourite, metres and metres of icord, knit from leftovers and wound through the railing on the landing of the Inn.

icordmadness2 2017-06-16

The best part of it was watching it grow. The first morning there was a few rows, then the next morning it was a little bigger, and by the last day it was as you see it, the whole thing filled in.

icordmadness 2017-06-16

Nobody saw how it got to be there either, it was like a vine that only grew in the night. Non-knitters thought it was cool, but the knitters were bananas for it. (That’s a lot of i-cord.)

moreidord 2017-06-16

4. On Wednesday, which just so happened to be my birthday, I left Port Ludlow at 8:30am, and staggered through the door (after a car ride, a ferry ride, another car ride, two planes (one cancelled and re-booked) and a taxi) at 2:30 am and it was not the best way to spend your birthday ever devised.  I admit, it had a lot of knitting in it, which should have been decent groundwork for a birthday, but failed to deliver.  I tried to be chipper about it, because I was travelling with Jen, but the truth is that I miscalculated how I’d feel about it, and it wasn’t awesome.

5. I felt bad about this until (while I was just thinking about whinging about our cancelled flight) a friend I was texting with said I should call a do-over. This is apparently a completely legal birthday manoeuvre that I have somehow gotten to be 49 years old without knowing.  It turns out that if a birthday looks like it’s about to go sideways, you can call a do-over, as long as you do it before you’ve had the whole birthday. (This is, I suppose, a way of making sure that you don’t cheat and get out of hand, trying to get more birthday than you properly deserve.) I get the feeling that you need to call it before there’s a cake with candles in or something else that’s irrevocable, but luckily for me, all I’d had was a frisking at security. (Hardly seems like it would count.)

6. I have decided to have my do-over on Sunday, when I can see my family and have dinner with them instead of getting that Happy Birthday text message with the balloons over and over again, which while thoughtful, is not even a little bit the same.

7. I have not seen Elliot in 10 days, which is a record. Joe got to see him day before yesterday and I am so jealous I could die, but that’s unbecoming, so I’m trying to get over it. Not only have I called do-over for Sunday, but also dibs on the baby.

Joeandelliot 2017-06-16

8. The blanket is not done but I am getting close.

blanket again 2017-06-16

That’s a lie. If I’m lucky I’ll finish the border today, and then I still have the edging to do.

9. Thank you to everyone who sent donations for the ride for my birthday – trying to get everyone on Team Knit (that’s me, Jen, Ken, Cameron and Pato) to their goals is an amazing Birthday gift, and all I really need. I was especially charmed by the donations of $49.

10. This is because I am now 49.  I think what I love best is that PWA is going to be absolutely flummoxed trying to figure out why on earth someone would donate $49.  (For the record, our Lady Jen was 43 on June 12th.)

11. Tomorrow, rain or shine (because we’re running out of training time, we have to ride even if it rains) Team Knit will ride their bikes 92km. (That’s 57miles, for my American friends.) We’ve all set our phones so that they ding when we get a donation for PWA. The ride tomorrow has a lot of hills, and I can’t tell you what that ding does when you’re halfway up one. Puts the whole thing in perspective.  The only member of Team Knit that won’t be on his bike tomorrow is Cameron, who’s still working in Australia, and spending a lot of time worrying that I am going to ride my bike faster than him because he’s not able to train.

12. To be fair, this is pretty much my goal.

Karmic Balancing Gifts? Game on. I just have time for a few. (PS, if you missed how this works and have no idea what we’re on about, then see here.)

First up, from the rather amazing Lucy Neatby, we have a gift of 10 of her amazing DVDs. I’ve got all of these and they’re amazingly helpful, even if you’re not into the topic. (By the way, if you’re not the DVD type, you should try her craftsy classes. Lucy’s a really, really great teacher.) Lucy will be sending Knitting Essentials 1&2 to Erin F.

Ess12 2017-06-16

Sock Techniques 1&2 to Clair S.

sock34 2017-06-16

Knitting Gems 1&2 to Amanda H

gems56 2017-06-16

Knitting Gems 3&4 to Janet A

GEMS78 2017-06-16

and Intarsia Untangled 1& 2 to Evelyn U. I hope you love them as much as I do. (PS, don’t try to watch while you’re knitting something unrelated. It’s disastrous.)

intunt1112 2017-06-16

Next  up, three great gifts from Sarah at Sea Turtle Fibre arts in Calgary. First, she’s got this gorgeous set of gradients that she’s sending to Meg W. (She’s including a co-ordinating skein of Charcoal, you lucky duck)

romanceridley 2017-06-16

a Kit to make this Goldfinch Shawl by Drea Renee, including the pattern and 3 skeins of their Riptide MCN Sport for Emma F.

sea turtle shawl 2017-06-16

and last, but certainly not least, a set of our three of their most popular Rainbow colours on Ridley Sock: Dark Side of the Moon, Rainbow Brite and Rainbows and Unicorns will be going to Patricia J.

rainbow1seaturtle 2017-06-16 darksideoftherainbowseaturtle 2017-06-16 rainbowsandunicornsseaturtle 2017-06-16

So perfect for Pride month Sarah, thank you!

More Monday, assuming tomorrow’s ride doesn’t kill me. (Oh, the hills.)

For James Vance, and his family

Jun. 16th, 2017 06:39 pm
[syndicated profile] neilgaiman_feed
posted by Neil Gaiman
I read James' Vance's work before I met the man. He was a playwright who had discovered comics and  wrote a graphic novel called KINGS IN DISGUISE, set in the great depression. I loved it. Powerful, moving and smart. Years later, when I was creating a line of comics for Tekno Comics, I asked James to write "Mr Hero", because I suspected that someone who could go so deep could also do funny and light and sweet, and he could. We became friends.

James met another friend of mine, who was writing Tekno Comics: Kate Worley. They fell in love, they had two children together.




Then Kate got cancer. I posted their appeal 13 years ago. (This is a beautiful letter from Jim to this blog in 2005, asking people to stop sending money, following Kate's death. It gives you the measure of the man.)

Jim died of cancer on June the 5th, leaving a wife and three children (two Autistic, one with Chronic Fatigue  Immune Disfunction).

Here's his obituary in the Tulsa World.

Go and read all about Jim and Kate and their lives and children at https://www.gofundme.com/vance-family-home-mortgage. If you're someone who was touched by their work, or by their friendship, please donate, even if it's a few dollars.  I did.






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Savage Love

Jun. 14th, 2017 04:00 am
[syndicated profile] savagelove_feed

Posted by Dan Savage

A 30-year-old virgin doesn't know where to start to find love by Dan Savage

I'm almost 30 and I'm a virgin. I'm an overweight, straight-ish guy (I'm attracted to a few men, but those cases are exceedingly rare). I've also gone through an absolute hell life thus far, losing a testicle to cancer and having an abusive father who threatened a teenage me into celibacy by invoking the phrase "penile lobotomy" should I have sex with any girlfriends. I've barely dated in 10 years, and while I'm free from my father and the aforementioned mortal dick terror, I'm also INCREDIBLY scared about putting myself out there. I'm disabled, I'm not conventionally attractive by most standards, my whole zone down there is scarred up from surgeries, and, to top it all off, I'm on the small side. The last time I had the opportunity for sex, I went for it, but I was so terrified that I couldn't keep it up. The woman I was with said something to the effect of "Well, I can't do anything with that, now can I?" after which I asked her to leave because, seriously, that's kind of an asshole thing to say. I'm notionally on Tinder and Bumble, but I really don't know what I'm doing—and more often than not, I feel like the right thing for any theoretical partners would be for me to just stay in hiding and not inflict my grotesque presence on them. I'm scared of another humiliation, as that's most definitely not my kink, and I'm at an age where my complete lack of experience and physical deformity are (I would have to imagine) major issues for anyone I might encounter. I truly want romance, sexuality, and companionship in my life. I haven't fought through poverty, disability, physical and emotional abuse, and my genitalia trying to kill me to stay entombed in my office alone and unloved. I just do not know where to even begin.

The Virgin Who's Been Fucked A Whole Lot Just Never In The Good Way

Off the top of my head...

Hire a sex worker. It will allow you to separate your anxieties about finding romance and companionship from your anxieties about being sexually inexperienced. A kind, indulgent, competent sex worker can relieve you of your virginity and help restore—or instill—confidence in your dick's ability to get and stay hard in the presence of another human being. Be totally honest about your inexperience and your concerns. If you get the sense during negotiations—which should be brief and to the point—that the woman you're talking to is impatient or uncaring, thank her for her time and start over. There are kind, caring, compassionate sex workers out there. Presumably you've got a computer in your office, TVWBFAWLJNITGW. Use it to find one.

Get out of the house. Go places, do things—as much as your disability and budget allow. Even if you have to go alone, go. Even if the things you want to do are unlikely to put you in front of many/any women, do those things. You're likelier to meet someone if you're out of the house and moving through the world. Even if you don't meet someone right away, you'll feel less isolated and less alone. Even if you never meet someone (I'm not sugarcoating things—some people don't), going places and doing things means you'll have a rich and full and active life regardless.

You're not alone. Okay, you're alone—but you're not alone alone. Meaning, there are women (and men) out there who feel just as paralyzed as you do—because they're 30-year-old-or-older virgins, because they're not conventionally attractive, because their first/only sexual experiences were just as humiliating, because they had traumatic childhoods and bear emotional scars. You want a woman to come into your life who is patient and accepting and kind and willing to look past your disability and your inexperience and your difficult history. Be patient, accepting, kind, and similarly willing.

Get over those scars. I had a boyfriend a long time ago who had significant scarring on his balls and taint. He was a farm boy (sigh), and he fell on a piece of farm machinery and wound up straddling a scalding-hot pipe. I don't know how that worked exactly, because I don't know from farm machinery, but the pipe burned through his jeans and left third-degree burns on his balls, taint, and upper-upper thigh. Ten years later, we started going out—and guess what? I didn't notice his scars. And not for want of opportunity: He was my first serious boyfriend, and I spent the better part of three months with my face in his crotch. The scars that were so obvious to him and left him feeling self-conscious about his genitals? They were invisible to me until he needlessly apologized for them. Genitals are a jumble of flesh and folds and hairs and colors and bits and pieces and sometimes scars, TVWBFAWLJNITGW. If you're worried your scarring is noticeable, mention that you're a cancer survivor and lost a ball but gained a sick (as in cool) scar.

Good luck, TVWBFAWLJNITGW. We're rooting for you.


Your a faggot.

Women Obsess Real Men

Your new here, WORM, aren't you?


I'm a straight woman, and I've been dating my boyfriend for about eight months. We have a wonderful relationship and amazing sex. There's one thing he does in the bedroom, however, that I find off-putting and I was hoping you might be able to provide some insight. About 25 percent of the time after he ejaculates, he briefly licks some of his come off his fingers. This kind of creeps me out. I've been with more than a few dudes, so I obviously understand that a woman eating their come is a common turn-on, but this is my first experience with this particular incarnation. At first I was worried my aversion might be rooted in some deeply buried homophobic beliefs, but we've discussed the idea of me pegging him, and that I can get behind. I think it's more that this smacks of a certain egotism I find frivolous. Like, I wouldn't go around shoving my fingers inside my pussy and rubbing the results all over my face. Typically we're able to discuss any kind of conflict or confusion that arises between us, but this one seems tough to broach for me. Three questions: How common is this? Do I need to just get over it or should I try to talk to him about it? Would most guys suck their own dick if they were able?

Yearning Understanding Concerning Kink

1. It's not common, YUCK, but it's not unheard of, either. Maybe your boyfriend grew up with sex-phobic parents who blew up at the sight of a crusty sock—so he opted to destroy the evidence by eating it and developed a taste for it. Maybe he thinks his semen contains powerful woo-hoo-y masculine energy and wishes to retain some of it. Maybe he had a girlfriend who thought it was hot to see him eat his come and he (wrongly) assumes it's a turn-on for you, too.

2. Yes, you need to get over it and, yes, you should ask him about it. The former almost certainly requires the latter.

3. Every man on earth tries, a select few succeed, and we all would if we could. Even my new friend WORM. recommended


On the Lovecast, advice from a dominatrix on kinky parties: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

ITMFA.org

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[personal profile] copperbadge
Dutch Baby is by far the most dramatic of all the pastries. 

Look how impressed my owl spoon rest is and DO NOT look at how oh my god filthy my stove is….

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[personal profile] copperbadge
Trying to get back into the swing of reviewing books, especially since I’m no longer re-reading the entire Nero Wolfe canon…

So, I recently found a stash of Chevalier’s ebooks on my tablet and decided to re-read Girl With A Pearl Earring, which I very much liked, and then picked The Last Runaway out of the others. The book centers around a young Quaker woman from England, Honor Bright, who at some point in the mid 19th century (I’m a little shaky on the exact date, but pre-Civil War) decides to immigrate to America with her sister Grace after Honor’s fiancee breaks their engagement to marry outside the faith. Spoilers below. 

spoilers! )
aunty_marion: (Haddocks. Lithuanian. Or maybe Bulgarian)
[personal profile] aunty_marion
Well, it was apparently set on Discworld, anyway, judging from the architectural styles, and some of the 'people' appeared to be 'toons', rather like in 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' - i.e. cartoonised/animated versions, but tangible. I was in a port; there was a (?) sinister port-master, some very strange seamen, innkeepers, etc, and starving orphans. Also waves which defied gravity and position - one hung in mid-curl over what appeared to be a sort of cobbled open space between buildings, with posts/bollards along one side, and when someone the wave didn't like went past, it would slosh down. It was very green water. And also, apparently, animated. And drawn by or in the style of Josh Kirby.

In another part of the dream (though still apparently on Discworld, so my brain insisted), an old friend of mine, Chris Chivers (filker of this parish) had been arrested on a driving offence (either drunk driving or speeding, either of which seemed quite plausible) (and I didn't know they had motor cars on Discworld?), and was being interrogated by the police, who were NOT animated (nor was Chivers). He'd just admitted to the offence... However, the top police bod was looking at Chivers' ID, and said "Ah! But this is Chris Chivers! He never admits to anything! Therefore he can't have done this!" Which ... made perfect sense in the dream.

Yes. Well.

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