abigailnicole: (Default)


oh yesterday, yesterday I went to Big Lots with my mother and I got cheap mohair and peppermint facewash but the music. Big Lots was playing music, nice indie quiet music, Feist and Jason Isbell who I have discovered because I was sensible enough to twitter the lyrics and now have downloaded Seven Mile Island. I wish I did that to all the songs they played that I didn't know. I should live at Big Lots if they play music like this all the time.

I am crocheting a shawl, hopefully I will be done soon and you can see it. I bought yarn so now I must knit to get rid of it. I must make a shawl, a sweater, a shrug, and a hat. Presto!

I also spent the fourth of july playing dominoes as it rained out our fireworks. We played all thirteen rounds, I tied with my father.
abigailnicole: (dreams)


aww man guys, I cried all the way through Almondine's chapter. I can't even reread it, I tried and just started crying again. By the end I was just waiting for Edgar to die and trying to match things up with Hamlet. Once Almondine died that book was over for me.

Things which bring out strong emotional responses in me. Not many things do; not many books, for that matter, and when it does it usually has to deserve it--this was an almost 600 page epic, slow-paced and wonderful, long summer days and the mailbox standing "soldierly by the road,capturing a man and releasing him, again and again", you get the stories of birth and death, the miscarriage and then the pup that died, the long dark vined thing growing inside her? "She had learned, in her life, that you carry time inside of you. You are time, you breathe time. When she'd been young, she'd had an insatiable hunger for more of it, though she hadn't understood why. Now she held inside her a cacophony of times and lately it drowned out the world..."

Ugh. I can't read this book again anytime soon. Maybe in five years.

Between that and the end of House. juxtaposing the wedding, the real working relationship between two healthy happy people between the nonworking relationship between Cuddy and her single "bastard child" and House driving to that gray institution. I'm doing awful today, guys. I'm just going to sit inside and cry about sad things.

On top of that Monday is the Glorious 25th of May, so I have to go buy Night Wawtch and read it again. I have it planned it already, we're driving up to Lexington and I'm going to get it at Barnes & Nobles and go to the yarn store. I really need another discworld book right now, something new that's like that, you know? With those characters that I know so well, love so much, coming out ahead for once, instead of right now when everything I'm reading is depressing and life is defeating all my characters.

So anyway. Monday I'm buying that and the To Say Nothing Of The Dog books for the wives and I. I'm going to reread Night Watch, then get Human Croquet and then probably read To say Nothing Of The Dog with Hannah and Amanda. The idea was to read them all at the same time but I really want to read this book and I don't even know if I'll get to see them before they go to VAMPY the way things are working out. I'm impatient, I can't wait that long.

I guess just reading sad books is making me think of sad things. I'm spending a lot of time with my family, which is good. I'm probably going to spend a couple nights a week with my grandparents. They're just thrilled to have me over, and mom agrees that it's a good idea. Not just to save me on gas money...Grandmom's not doing well right now, between my uncle's marriage, almost two years old, with Mary's lupus and now the paraplegia, Teresa's suicide and my aunt Pearl, Teresa's mother, is in and out of the hospital every week. She's had a quadruple bypass and a couple of strokes. Her oldest sister has Parkinson's as well...and my grandmother doesn't deal with all of these things well, if you know what I mean. It's very easy to get worried and discouraged. So me staying with them a couple nights a week I think is good for them.

I haven't seen many of my friends since I've been home, just a few of them once. Not even my wives. I don't think I'll get to see many of my friends this summer, they're all working in different cities. It's lonely, going from living with my friends and never seeing my family to living with my family and never seeing my friends. I'm alone a lot more here. It's fine, I'm used to it, and I like spending time with my family, but the change is a bit strange, something to get acclimated to.

maybe when I get the new Tori cd. maybe when I read my next book, finish the next sweater. maybe I should start playing the piano again. maybe I'll just have to wait until fall, when school comes back and we have nopants fridays again.
abigailnicole: (OMG)


SO HERE IT COMES, THE SOUND OF DRUMS

a.) I made new ringtones. I made a james bond ringtone, a ringtone of the firefly theme song, the wreckless eric song 'whole wide world', the 'zydrate comes in a little glass vial' clip from Repo, and that song from Doctor Who that the Master plays when he goes crazy, Voodoo Child. the HERE COME THE DRUMS HERE COME THE DRUMS song. it's crazy-poppy and has been in my head breaking my train of thought making me snappy and now it's on my phone begging to be my new ringtone: Trust Harold Saxon.

b.) it's lovely storming right now, I'm avoiding my family down below and hiding in my dad's office, where I will sleep tonight on the floor next to my brother. there's lovely windy dark rain thunder outside and I want it to go on forever.

c.) I discovered I can do without food or sleep but not both: today I slept only the normal seven hours and tried to eat the normal bowl of cereal and dinner and I was a raging wildebeest of rage. If I get twelve hours of sleep and a cereal/sandwich all day I'm okay; if I get seven hours of sleep and real food I'm okay. Now I just want to curl up in the sleeping bag on the floor and stop moving, get rid of my muscles aching and my head staying in one place when I move. mono, dammit, I'm constantly convinced I have mono. I gave it to boy, how can I not have it? But there is no real treatment except rest and wait, so even if I did, I'd still be doing exactly what I'm doing now.

d.) oooh getting a new phone tuesday. I think it'll be purple but it might not be after all. dad wants me to decrease my texting and I think this is unlikely.

e.) desirous desirous of bed for long amounts of time with laptop for watching Torchwood and knitting. I am on the last episode of Torchwood season two what a catastrophe. :( my lounging in bed will be so much less purposeful slash excusable now. I should read House of Leaves again. I don't know if I enjoyed it but it's a book that I feel like I should own because it's important and odd. Also I never read the appendices.

f.) call me my phone will ring HAROLD SAXON'S CAMPAIGN SONG

g.) dominoes, brb.
abigailnicole: (bad day)
bad news tempered with good. small sugar and large bitter pills.

today my aunt got into a car wreck. My aunt and my uncle got married just under two years ago. Shortly afterward she was diagnosed with Lupus. She's not been able to work since they got married, has been in and out of the hospital, been in constant pain, gained weight, has an altered mental state--it's a terrible disease, and especially so on these two who are just married. He's much older than her. She totaled two cars while driving because she can't focus and was under a court order not to drive except to go to medical appointments. Today she was driving--we don't know why--and wrecked. She went head-first through the windshield. She severed her T5 vertebrae and shattered her skull. They say if she lives she'll never walk again, and right now she's in critical condition. this is, needless to say, the bad news. we might go to atlanta for spring break if things get worse (or if they get better).

my great-grandfather also died wednesday night. this was expected; he was 100 and had been on the downward spiral for a while now. It's still sad.

good news: I got accepted to vassar. I was so surprised and happy even though I won't go there ($49K a year, the end). It makes me smile. I got a poster and a big folder that says "Welcome to the class of 2012." Even though I didn't send in my mid-year report. now for my only college left and the one I know I'll get rejected to: penn. there's a long story behind that one. mainly my academic team coach (yes, hannah, that one) and oh god. all the schools I want to go to accepted me so I'm really happy.

and I got my car back. I love it.

march has just been a bad month. so many people have died. so many people have been hurt. so many bad things have happened.
abigailnicole: (Default)
Last night I stayed up till two in the morning (eastern time, I was on central time) playing Mexican Train Dominoes. ie, the People's Domino Train of Mexico. I won, by the way. Not only won but dominated, by the amazing score of seventy five when everyone else had over 200 in eight games.

This weekend I went to KY lake to see the Schmidts (mom's family). It was really awkward but fun. It got less awkward over Dominoes, but I still felt kind of awkward. My cousin's wife is pregnant, awwww. She has a five-year-old who's really cute too. I got a lunchbox and earrings.

The only problem is that the drive to the house is five hours, and so is the drive back. I listened to the St. Vincent CD (good) and read a Bill Bryson book, and wrote on a story. I discovered Thursday night on the internet all the stories that I wrote when I was young, one in particular about spies and assassains and aliens and age-gap love affairs and it was all exciting, so I wanted to write it again. And I am. momentarily. I might never show it to anyone, though. But that's what I wrote on.

So now it's midnight (tomorrow) and I have to wake up for school in six hours. Goodnight!
abigailnicole: (bad day)
1. FIRST POST NEW LAPTOP YAY

2. So I got a new laptop for christmas. A laptop for college, actually. Of course I was really excited and turned it on and started installing FireFox and Audacity (ahiweofahew frustrating, that) and iTunes and all that jazz. And while I do this, everyone in my family is talking about Vista. Now, my computer (NEW COMPUTER!!!) is an XP. (Its name is Marco by the way.) But the entire time I'm setting up my brand new Vostro 1500 windows-xp laptop everyone in my family is saying yeah, vista is a pain now but in the next six months it's going to be the new operating system. SIX MONTHS? COULD THAT BE WHEN I NEED MY LAPTOP FOR COLLEGE?! Plus I had a conversation with my parents a few months back about how if I was to switch operating systems, I'd rather have a Mac than Vista. All this makes me want to throw up my hands in despair and switch to Linux. NOT KIDDING. I'm going to wikipedia linux and read about it, so if you all have any opinions throw them out there. I plan to discuss these things with Jason as well. My blessings are many but my frustrations also.

3. I got a 120gb external hard drive :) and an orange 2gig usb drive, called Pip after my favorite Posse member (orange reminded me of Tori's hair, that's the whole explanation). As to why my laptop's name is Marco? It was the first thing that popped into my head when it said: "Computer Name" and I typed it out. I thought a few minutes and nothing better came to me, so my new laptop is named Marco. I thought vaguely about something Discworld, but nothing suitable presented itself. Perhaps the dragon's name in Guards! Guards!? What was his name? I disrecall. but anyway.

4. I also got a bugger thingy um CD of fonts, hurray, and a random CD with 1000 works of classic literature on it. ...okay? But I'm excited. My grandparents got me a digital photo keychain and my parents got me piano pants (yay!) and some earrings from their trip to Egypt.

This Christmas has, more than anything, reminded me of how I'm ready to go to college, how cramped I feel here and how much I'm ready to be on my own. I don't want to live off my parents' charity, especially when they're constantly reminding me that it is charity and comes with obligations. I love them and all, but over there. Time to go AWAY to college to be on my own.

also Jason Mraz's latest blog made me happier.
abigailnicole: (not envy)
so I  hope you're all enjoying your turkey and mashed potatoes. 

I've had a banana, a bagel, and a waffle house omelet. 

I keep trying to think of things I'm thankful for. There are many but today isn't one of them. I've spent today in a car. I ate my only meal at Waffle House. My parents are out of the country and my brother is hitting puberty in the most annoying way possible. It's hard to feel grateful, or anything but awkward and tired (which I am). I spent all day listening to Alkaline Trio's Radio, five times in the car, over and over. in case you haven't heard, I am SICK and TIRED OF TRYING

We're in Atlanta, at my aunt and uncle's--the aunt which, a few months after she married my uncle, was diagnosed with Lupus and has been at home since then. she's the nicest person but she's tired all the time and constantly in pain and I feel like I'm just in the way, that I'm an unnecessary inconvenience to her while she's sick and doesn't have the energy for it. I don't want to be in the way, I don't want to make her feel any worse. And my uncle's under a lot of stress because of the whole situation, so it's sticky. I don't know. I just sat on the couch watching March of the Penguins. 

and at the same time it just reminds me of how many things I have to be thankful for, this day of all days. I am not sick, I am not homebound, I have a future and an education, for better or worse. I have grandparents who love me unconditionally and a brother who, well, at least he's here. my parents have enough money to take a cruise for their anniversary. my parents are still married and love their children. and even if I spent the day in a car, it's a nice car with people who love me. at least I got to eat, a good ham-and-cheese omelet even if it was at waffle house. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me, and who I love. I have good friends, Lindsey Monica Melissa Max Nathan Mollee Seth Hannah Amanda David Michael Charlotte Suus. I live in a safe town; I don't worry about crime or drive-bys or being safe if I want to drive down main street at 3am, I don't worry about if and when I'll get food, I shower every day and have a bed to sleep in and shoes to wear, even if I choose to wear the holey ones. it's not about how great thanksgiving was--it doesn't matter if I watch the Macy's Day Parade, if I put on nice clothes and go to cumberland falls to eat or if I don't wash my hair and sit in a car all day or even who I spent it with. I'm still blessed, whether I choose to be thankful or not. I'm still  so incredibly blessed. 

so thank you, God, for everything. for people and places and things and warmth and love and ability and all the things I have no control over. 
thanks for everything.
 

"There are people in every country who never
turn into killers, saints have built
sanctuaries on islands and in valleys,
conquerors have quit and gone home, for thousands
of years farmers have worked their fields.
My feet begin the uphill curve
where a thicket spills with birds every spring.
The air doesn't stir. Rain touches my face."
five am

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Nicole

March 2013

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