abigailnicole: (Default)
my new year's party was a biblical-length four-day affair that involved sleeping in various beds across the state. we spent the last hours of 2010 walking around downtown Lexington, wearing black and white and taking similarly colored photos, and ended up in Triangle Park. They've cut all the Bradford Pear trees down in a depressing cover-up of my existence: my parents got engaged there in 1982, and on december 31st 2010 I stood on a bare patch of land covered with stumps and tile, watching unhappy-looking women wander in and out of bars and feeling sorry for them. I had a lovely time. We took new-year pictures in a photobooth then stood on the dry fountain steps for this picture just as the year switched over:



which is quite blurry and dark but I had to rush the self-timer and then run up fountain steps, so I didn't get to frame it well. It was right on the switch from 2010 to 2011, when the bars around the park broke into cheers. We walked home and it started to rain, switching from drizzle to pounding downpours. James came over, and we made hot chocolate, listened to Laura Veirs' The Triumphs and Travails of Orphan Mae on Amanda's record player, and James tried to make smores by roasting marshmallows over a candle with his fingers. I went to sleep in the rain and had nightmares, woke up to more rain and scribbling in a notebook in the bathroom, trying not to wake anyone up.

when I was in high school I wanted to throw listening parties, where you figure out a place that takes exactly the amount of time to drive to that it takes for one CD. And then you get some of your friends in a car and you drive there and you listen to one CD. The rules are that the first time through you can't talk, that everyone has to listen. And you get to wherever you're going and you eat dinner, and then on the way back you listen to the CD again, with comments. the only CD I ever imagined doing this with was In The Aeroplane Over The Sea which I can't love less with time, only more. I gave the record to Amanda for her christmas present and for the Party party, members in flux, we sat in the living room and ten or twelve of us did that, walking softly in an attempt to get the record to not skip. And it's a great CD for it--the point in "Oh Comely" when we were singing "I know they buried her body with others, her sister and mothers and five hundred families" I knew the reason I started writing this book I can't seem to finish. The combination of people and songs.



I've been running out of things to say lately. I don't feel like blogging or writing, I've been reading and knitting a lot, watching movies with people. When I was at Amanda's we attempted to recreate the cover of Pulp Fiction, something I've wanted to do since I got this haircut, though it's a bit too long now:



as close as it's gonna get. Her bit on

Mia: Don't you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

maybe is rubbing off on me. Last night was the first night all week (all year) I've slept without nightmares, probably because we fell asleep at 3 in a freezing-cold house (the heat went out at Amanda's). I feel like most of what I say is oversharing, but is that because I think the people around me don't want to hear it or I don't want to hear myself say it? Writer's block for real life. I wish that I would get a good night's sleep, I wish that Mumford & Sons would make a new CD so I could stop singing the same one I've been singing all year that I get sick of but don't love less, I wish my feet were warm and my hair three inches longer and I don't know if I should try and cherish this weird in-between time or just wait it out. When you have spent too long with the same group of people you run out of things to say to them, they can be your roommates or your family or your friends or your characters.

Sometimes you are in an in-between place, when you are waiting for time to pass so you can finish your degree, to go back to school, to get a promotion, to see someone again, to go back home. Sometimes you are just waiting for the nightmares to stop or for enough time to pass so you can get over someone, but if that hasn't happened yet there's not very much you can do to make the waiting go faster or get better. So it goes.
abigailnicole: (Default)


so at Dustin's house, the Party party, Dustin has a record player, and his mom's old records, and it's amazing. Someday, when I live in a house and have nice things, I want a real sound system. Perhaps even a USB turntable and maybe I will buy that In The Aeroplane Over The Sea record I hold longingly every time I go to the Mushroom, and take all of mum's old unused records. She still has her turntable and records: however, it is still on European voltage.


I am ready to go back to school....

I think if I had to give advice to anyone it would be BE CLEVER, BE BRAVE because I think with those two cardinal virtues can get you through many things. Being clever means knowing when to be good and when to be bad, it includes a good sense of timing and knowledge of human nature and knowing when to stop and when to go: you can do all of these things if you are clever. I am trying to be brave but not doing very well, so this decade I will do better at that.

Decade, eh? this year I turn 20. So from 20 to 30 I will try to be clever and brave.
abigailnicole: (Default)
I'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning...?

I'm glad I wore my preppy purple PINK sweatpants even though they're not like me because they were amazing.
all last night I spent with church and it was pretty great, we watched Superman and then right in the middle decided we didn't want to do this anymore. So everyone climbed half asleep out of their curled-up positions on the floor and we shrugged on shoes and sweatshirts and grabbed pool noodles and ran next door to the unfinished parking garage, and played noodle hockey on the top floor at two in the morning. All the boys used their feet because every boy there was a soccer player, but it was fun anyway until the end when we just sort of gave up and waved our noodles around in the air.
We went inside and Thomas made pancakes with hershey's kisses in them and max made waffles and emily made sausage biscuits. And I sat on the floor and max made me two waffles and dustin had a waffle and thomas gave me a pancake with hershey's kisses in it. Then daniel and alex started doing push-ups because they're soccer players, and we played one round of hide-n-go seek and then laid back down to watch Superman, and I gave max my blanket and shared with my boyfriend and slept a little. And when Superman ended at five I had to move over to the couch and sleep. And right before I went to sleep on the folded-out cusion-couch dustin was talking about candycanes and I had my snoopy and slept. I got up at 9:15 and went to the bathroom and when I came out lee ann was waking everyone up.
my boyfriend brought me home. there was no music on the way home until we were almost there and then we listened to Saves the Day Head for the Hills.

Burning a door in the back of my mind
Lying alone in the morning
I feel like swallowing my eyes
I walk around the house until
My feet begin to bleed
Still I can't forget somehow

Drowning in the darkness of my mind
I dream I'm setting fire to everything in sight
And if I die tonight and go to Hell, oh well
On that hill I see you

when I came in the front door mom was mad because it ended at ten, and we got home at ten thirty. she was trying to call me but couldn't get a dial tone because a phone was off the hook. it was the phone in my room. I decided to stay awake until tonight despite the four hours of sleep and when I went downstairs she told me that my boyfriend had to leave, so he did, and then she yelled at me for telling him he had to leave because apparently I didn't do it discreetly enough. totally put off my tea I went upstairs and sat in my room and then went out to sew on my blanket, whence I decided that the awkward silence was too much and reached for my iPod, whence I discovered it had died. completely. sad iPod icon. apparently if I don't charge the battery every night it dies? who knows. but it's working now so that's good.

today I have to clean my room completely completely because my family is coming in and has to stay in there, meaning shove everything somewhere until they leave. EVERYTHING. and I have to read all the superman comic books because I haven't read any because I haven't been in the mood and they're my uncles and he's taking them back when he comes, and I have to read Of Mice and Men before school starts and that will be book one for this month and this year. And then I'll start Casino Royale.  And right now I'm going to go back to my blanket and sew on it and finish this row, sew it to the blanket, sew the next row and sew it to the blanket then quit and start doing all these things I need to be doing and I'm really glad we're off school tomorrow and I'm sorry I don't always act like the same person and I wish my mommy didn't hate me and I unplugged the phone because it never stays on the hook and I'll just plug it in when I need it again and I feel bad for everything and everyone and what I told you was true. I'm not a good person. I'm a smart person, but that doesn't make me anything.

happy new year.

faded red dress on the neighbor's lawn
oh the whole world is waiting to see when you fall

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Nicole

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