abigailnicole: (death)


I got hit by a car. I limped home, hat untied, carrying my bike, blood dripping down my leg. Later I kept thinking about the moment mid-fall when I stopped resisting, my left hand on the ground, letting my body roll sideways onto the asphalt, feeling the weight of my backpack swings its arc into the ground. I was fine: only my rear bike tire and my left knee suffered injury. My roommates bandaged me up, gave me advil. None of us were healthy or well. We rested and drove in silence.

This is not my home: this is Bailey's home and I am thankful for it, for her mom that made us clam chowder (my favorite soup) the night we arrived, who cleaned my scraped knee with hydrogen peroxide and gave me bandaids. I am thankful for Bailey, for skipping class to go to Sonic with me, for putting together couches at one in the morning, for when she came into my room at 2am to watch spongebob with me because it was storming. I am thankful for Carrie, who drove me to Walgreens at 1am and bought chips and candy so we could watch the Emperor's New Groove in bed. I am thankful for Evian who lets me borrow her clothes, and watches TNG with me, and is my constant lunch date Tuesdays and Thursdays, who always says good morning.

I am thankful for my wives who are always the first ones I call, each of them separately. I am thankful for Leah who understands me here and [livejournal.com profile] sugarlungs far. Yesterday I played the piano for the first time in months and I am thankful, for Hamlet and Lost in the World and Harry Potter and the music that other people play when they are driving, I am thankful. You keep all my days from slipping into the void of my memory.

I believe my parents are perfect and my grandparents saints and my brother my friend, and I miss them, and I think of them every day.

I am thankful that it was only my knee and my bike tire and not my face that was dragged along the asphalt, that the driver stopped and asked if I was okay before she drove off, even if she didn't offer insurance. I hope she is unharmed, I don't wish karma on her. I am thankful that things were not worse.

We ate Thanksgiving Dinner. The Saints won the football game. We went shopping at 3am on black friday. I fell asleep at 8am craving eggs. My sinuses filled up with phlegm, I did not write my Shakespeare paper. I became tired and homesick, cried in bed before falling asleep. I woke up to Mumford and Sons and Ryan Adams and I was comforted. I am happy where I am. I do not wish that things were different and for that I am thankful.

12:01

Aug. 23rd, 2010 12:02 am
abigailnicole: (dreams)


When I was 14 my history teacher described a movie he had seen, unable to recall the name. "You would know it, Nicole," he said. It was requiem for a dream. I haven't seen it, but it is the type of movie I would see, in that whole classroom only I would have, but I still don't know why Muncy singled me out.

Last night before falling asleep I has the strangest sensation. In that half-dream state an old woman walked up to me as I knelt in the darkness. She placed her hand on my forehead and pushed me over. It was the sensation of falling that woke me, the kick, the moment when you lose all control.

I'm not sleeping well yet

All the words I want to say come rushing out in my sleep, I see so many images and gain no meaning from them. I imagine running into old friends I haven't seen in a while, hugging them in a crowded street. I see myself stranded in a bar in south america, pleading for a phone line, calling you, Amanda. I am lost, I am a stranger here, get me back home, I say, but the connection is broken before you reply.

Tonight I rode my bike home in the pouring rain, holding a hand to my face to shield my eyes. It was light when we left campus, a drizzle that thickened before we hit willow, left me soaked and squinting at traffic. When we got home Evian and I stripped down and jumped in the pool in our underwear, turned on the light to give the water that magic green cast, like some alien home. Between the purple-storm-light sky and the neon water it was magic, floating on our backs, watching a lightning storm, while our neighbor played loud big-band jazz. "I didn't know this was on my bucket list but I can cross it off now" I told Evian.

"I'm really glad I decided not to live alone," she said.

Later we watched Mad Men with Bailey, drank coffee, I baked cookies and we ate the leftover dough. After mad men it was star trek, with Evian in Faine's pink snuggie, the rain intermittent and keeping us calm. I am far from home but I watch the stories of my mother with my girlfriends, I am a stranger here myself but I have inherited furniture that has been loved, I may be soaking wet but I am not alone.

I am grateful for all of these things.
abigailnicole: (Default)


new shoes! I did actually cook thanksgiving in this outfit.

this week has been great. It's made me realize that it's possible to live in New Orleans and not jut be stressed out all the time! a week without homework? you know, Saturday I just went and took off to Magazine, JR drove us and we went to the yarn store, looked through prohibitively-priced boutiques, Friday night we ate at Juan's Flying Burrito. You know how much homework I've done? zero. I slept late and watched a lot of How I Met Your Mother, dressed up and wore tights and went internet shopping and bought christmas presents for people.

I feel better, too. not angry, not overwhelmed or harboring any resentment. I think one of the reasons I was mad at my roommates was because they watched Glee without me and didn't even ask me. well, you now, that's not the only reason, but it was the icing on the camel's back. but now Evian is back and let me wear her giant ridiculous christmas bow, and is reading New Moon, and last night we had a thanksgiving potluck and it was lovely. maybe things will not be awkward and awful for a while between people, just with school. because the next two weeks are the last week of classes and finals, which is just long frenzied nights of studying and then stumbling when you can't study anymore but feel like doing anything else would be counterproductive. finals. terrible times to be had by young and old.

but then christmas! home! no school! gingerbread houses with the library, floor is lava, knitting, watching star trek with mum and andrew. driving again! thank god for all these little things which overpower the big things.

ps I have google wave invites. anyone want one? come procrastinate with me.
abigailnicole: (happy)


Campus is empty. I can take pictures all over Willow without wondering if someone will come in and look at me askew. It's funny, being alone in a place where there are usually so many souls. I have nothing due anytime soon, I have so little homework I started looking at knitting patterns again. I'm gonna make mittens.

I am thankful for my family, for having a family that is still together; for being able to watch Star Trek with mum and make omelets with dad and drive around with my brother, listening to music. I am thankful for my grandparents who send me cards at college, and for Lindsey, who sends me mail even when I'm too busy to reply. I am thankful for my wife, who is always there for me via text message. I am thankful for my boyfriend, who cooks for me and makes me feel better when I am sad and gets me eggs over easy when I am sick. I am thankful I am here, at Tulane, and do not want to switch schools like many of my friends, thankful that I still have my Kentucky friends. I am thankful for the library and for books, I am so thankful for books existing! and the maple street used bookstore, and Evian, and the Monestary, and Josh Kamnetz for sitting next to me in Orgo. I am thankful for everyone who has helped me and been kind to me and running water and extension cords and cellular phones and the internet. It is a good world.

I am thankful for cups of tea with sugar and warm bread. I hope you all have the same. happy thanksgiving.
abigailnicole: (not envy)


happy thanksgiving, everyone.
abigailnicole: (happy)


the customary 'I'm-in-an-airport' post. I can never resist making these posts about my life. Little bits of information: here I am, this is where I've been, here I go... the internet here is terrible, though. Louis Armstrong International I disappreciate your slow internets.

I also left everything back in my dorm room. including my camera. how silly is that? things I have with me include: laptop, calculus book/notebook, bio/chem notebook, three shirts, one pair of jeans, 5 pair of underwear, 3 pair of socks, yarn and knitting needles, 2008 notebook, iPod, cell phone, wallet. for a week. jeez I'm ridiculously used to overpacking, I don't have my little notebook, my camera!!!, snoopy, or a book to read. silly. I plan on knitting another fun hat all the way there. THIS HAT BETTER TAKE THAT LONG. also why did I forget my camera. I must be stupid. mom better let me use her Nikon (oooooh camera lust).

plans? I have no plans. o yes. I want to go shopping with mum and see the floor-is-lava. and my family. it's my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, which is indeed something to celebrate.

and is appropriate for thanksgiving, some things I am thankful for...

1. people. carrie, bailey, JR, evian, erik (my five friends at college) and kelsey (the tag-along). my friends at home--mollee, max, dustin, nathan, daniel johnson. my family--mom, dad, grandparents, brother. and my wives.
2. electric blankets
3. the internet
4. strawberries, bananas, and yougurt
5. toast and tea
6. the lovesong of J. alfred prufrock
7. doctor who, house, scrubs, and star trek
8. seeing my family again
9. driving
10. being where I am with the people I am with.
abigailnicole: (not envy)
so I  hope you're all enjoying your turkey and mashed potatoes. 

I've had a banana, a bagel, and a waffle house omelet. 

I keep trying to think of things I'm thankful for. There are many but today isn't one of them. I've spent today in a car. I ate my only meal at Waffle House. My parents are out of the country and my brother is hitting puberty in the most annoying way possible. It's hard to feel grateful, or anything but awkward and tired (which I am). I spent all day listening to Alkaline Trio's Radio, five times in the car, over and over. in case you haven't heard, I am SICK and TIRED OF TRYING

We're in Atlanta, at my aunt and uncle's--the aunt which, a few months after she married my uncle, was diagnosed with Lupus and has been at home since then. she's the nicest person but she's tired all the time and constantly in pain and I feel like I'm just in the way, that I'm an unnecessary inconvenience to her while she's sick and doesn't have the energy for it. I don't want to be in the way, I don't want to make her feel any worse. And my uncle's under a lot of stress because of the whole situation, so it's sticky. I don't know. I just sat on the couch watching March of the Penguins. 

and at the same time it just reminds me of how many things I have to be thankful for, this day of all days. I am not sick, I am not homebound, I have a future and an education, for better or worse. I have grandparents who love me unconditionally and a brother who, well, at least he's here. my parents have enough money to take a cruise for their anniversary. my parents are still married and love their children. and even if I spent the day in a car, it's a nice car with people who love me. at least I got to eat, a good ham-and-cheese omelet even if it was at waffle house. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me, and who I love. I have good friends, Lindsey Monica Melissa Max Nathan Mollee Seth Hannah Amanda David Michael Charlotte Suus. I live in a safe town; I don't worry about crime or drive-bys or being safe if I want to drive down main street at 3am, I don't worry about if and when I'll get food, I shower every day and have a bed to sleep in and shoes to wear, even if I choose to wear the holey ones. it's not about how great thanksgiving was--it doesn't matter if I watch the Macy's Day Parade, if I put on nice clothes and go to cumberland falls to eat or if I don't wash my hair and sit in a car all day or even who I spent it with. I'm still blessed, whether I choose to be thankful or not. I'm still  so incredibly blessed. 

so thank you, God, for everything. for people and places and things and warmth and love and ability and all the things I have no control over. 
thanks for everything.
 

"There are people in every country who never
turn into killers, saints have built
sanctuaries on islands and in valleys,
conquerors have quit and gone home, for thousands
of years farmers have worked their fields.
My feet begin the uphill curve
where a thicket spills with birds every spring.
The air doesn't stir. Rain touches my face."
five am

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Nicole

March 2013

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