this is the kind of day that reminds me of home, my purple room with one way-hidden window when it was all shady, and how only one light bulb in my room could work at once so it was always just dark and desk lamp and laptop. and today it was cold and rainy and I was SOAKING WET and FREEZING all through calculus and biology. My roommate was more soaking wet than I, but since she got to come back and shower after calculus and I had to sit through bio with a scarf wrapped around me like a blanket I think we even out. and now I am bundled under jeans and sweatshirts and comforters with hot tea, reveling in the amazing warmth and joy & all things associated. maybe it evens out.
more and more things are reminding me of home. I was sitting in Bruff and heard the NPR horns on election day: nostalgia hit me like a tidal wave and I started crying and had to leave. It's ridiculous, the NPR horns should make no one cry but, but, but. Every day after school before I started driving when my mother would take us home or on errands or whatever I got the front seat and my brother had the back seat and we would listen to NPR's All Things Considered. Sitting in a cafeteria 700 miles from my mother, my brother, my family and friends and car and locker and high school and winter clothes and books and everything that has made up my life for eighteen years--all of that is now 700 miles away and to be reminded of it when already in an emotional state is like a slap in the face.
so I deal with it like I deal with all the large problems that I can't change in my life...I ignore it until I get used to it. this works better than getting upset/angry about it all the time. you just have coping mechanisms. like listening to Under the Pink with Erik and Evian last night, listening to Neutral Milk Hotel. Eating soup with Carrie and Bailey. knitting.
knitting! in lieu of nanowrimo (which I have woefully abandoned, I fail at novel writing. I have theories on this, how if you don't do something when you're young, you're probably just never going to do it because things just get harder and harder, your time becomes more and more cluttered. But with less important things, do you notice? When I was thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, I did NaNoWriMo and won, but what was the most important thing in my life? Nothing, basically. School. The things I did with my life were the things I did myself. Now I have college and choosing a major and classes for next semester and trying to learn calculus/chemistry/biology/spanish and oh, how silly it all seems, cramming my brain with things already known when I should be writing a novel. I also have theories in this cycle of consuming/producing with intellectual property, reading vs writing, listening to music vs playing instruments vs composing songs, etc. But I digress. Very long parenthetical phrase.)
but back to knitting! I have taken up knitting after my trip to the yarn store (right next to a very nice thrift store) and made a whole hat last night. it was very intersting, different construction with a top center panel and then picking up stitches along the sides, working down each ear separately. the pattern said it was a steampunky hat and it is mustard yellow. it has a chin strap! see:
eventually it will have a button too. but it is a christmas present. I'm going to start on something else today because beh, it is cold and rainy and dumb outside and I want to stay where it is warm with tea and knit. maybe venture out to food later if someone accompanies me (not nearly brave enough to do this on my own in weather such as this).
now the sun is out. beh. (pronounced "beh". used as an interjection expressing a sort of "grr" or in more articulate words: "Something has gone on that is annoying/bad/irritating and I dislike it because it undermines my assumptions about x, when previously my feelings towards x were neutral and/or positive." In this instance x is the weather, but this expression is appicable to other things besides weather.)