abigailnicole: (bad day)

I prefer to say "sextuple-you" rather than "double-you, double-you, double-you"

Hunger gnaws at my attention span all through my American Literature class. These are the three hours a week when I sit in class and fantasize about going to the zoo, have vivid flashbacks to things I was told at parties among lectures of literature about workers on strike.

I remember, very distinctly, the first time I realized I could make myself thinner by not eating. I was standing on the Newcomb quad with Evian and Erik in the dark, wearing a purple t-shirt, and Erik poked me in the stomach and made some comment about how hard it was, told me that my long, thin belly button looked like an arch.

I lost weight. I grew enamoured with the long ridges of my pelvic bone, the exposed superior illiac crests, the weird contours of my torso from my ribcage to my hips, the space along my stomach where no bones were. I would sit in class and run my fingers along my collar bones and shoulderblades, exploring the hard surfaces within my own skin. I felt my breasts were too large, getting in the way of my ribcage. I became obsessed with stretching into myself, feeling my body in space, pressing my forehead to my shins.

Is this a body image problem or is it just being a woman in America?

I did not get better. This is where I am right now

I couldn't focus on molecular biology. The ends of my hair, lying on the words in my textbook, fascinated me. I imagined the molecules coming together, becoming amino acids, becoming proteins, spontaneously polymerizing into these long dead strands that fall across my shoulders.

It was monday and it rained all day. I rode my bike home after lab, my hair getting wet and splintering up, the wind stinging into my eyes.

last night I didn't do homework. instead I laid on my bed staring into space, listening to music like it was a tangible thing that covered my skin until I fell asleep with the lights still on.

The shower had no hot water. I stepped out onto the rug to shiver in a towel. I shouted at the shower "I hate you! I hate all of the things that make you up! I loathe your constituent parts!" but I couldn't stop laughing.

my american literature teacher: "Teddy has learned that life is a series of violent dichotomies"

I never woke up. I slept for three years until my youth was wasted away and when I woke up I had to be responsible. I poured out the bottle of bourbon next to my bed and donned that business casual attire and conservative earrings I walked into the streets and none of my friends knew me. I didn't realize for months that the city was underwater and this was still the same dream.

I woke up at 7am with the light spilling over my eyelids

I fought with my best friend.

"Is all the counsel that we two have shared,
The sisters' vows, the hours that we have spent,
When we have chid the hasty-footed time
For parting us,--O, is it all forgot?"

I dreamed that my dad died, that I was kissing a boy I thought I liked and we had no chemistry, that our empty house stuck out into the narrow street, that I was getting a key made in the grocery store when I finally broke down. I woke myself at 7am crying

This the week before Thanksgiving I felt guilt at every extra snack. I woke early every single day to my winter playlist. I listened to the Radical Face CD until we could both breathe again. I had a bad day and watched dream-mazes on the couch. I put up pictures. I dressed to impress and failed. Our hot water went out three times. I laid between my teal sheets like an aquarium and wondered
who am I doing this for? who is on the other side of the glass?

it's you.
abigailnicole: (Default)

last night I had the most awful sinus headache so I took nyquil, vitamins, acetaminophen before I went to bed. I slept like a log. I dreamt that I was trying to put together a last-minute Rocky Horror production in an old abandoned church, scrambling around in the nooks and crannies of the building to find stilettos before Sweet Transvestite. I woke up to daylight savings time and evian making coffee. I am glad I do not live alone.

Friday I went to see Mumford & Sons, trepidatious because I was alone, but my fears were unfounded. I parallel parked by myself and everything, and then it was 100% fine. It was the best show I have been to all year. The crowd was very respectful: the few people I talked to around me were all from long distances away (Tuscaloosa, DC, NYC), and it was clear that they had really wanted to come here and have a good experience. The openers were fantastic (King Charles, which was one guy with a guitar, amazing hair and an amazing voice; and Cadillac Sky, a straight-up bluegrass band who had a very skinny electric upright bass) and then Mumford & Sons played a long set that was just fantastic. All the catharsis you could ever want out of a concert enveloped in a joy and contentment of long-ago friends reuniting for a party. They began with Sigh No More (I discovered, friday morning, it is the much ado about nothing song when I was reading Much Ado About Nothing and was joyous all day) and ended with Dust Bowl Dance (the grapes of wrath song) and Awake My Soul (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh). I left in a state of ecstasy and was only sad that none of my friends were there so I could tell how much I loved them, with all of my heart and soul.

this morning my friend stumbled me this, a cry to adopt words and save them from disuse. The first I clicked was 'desarcinate', meaning 'to unload, to unburden'.
abigailnicole: (dreams)

I put on all the songs in my iTunes that have the word 'whale' somewhere in their tag. I wasn't expecting this haunting, great&terrible claustrophobic modest mouse song to come up-- the whale song. I was expecting cute stuff like Noah & the Whales and Freelance Whales and Rosie & Me, not a dark and malicious three-days-in-exile.

this element of surprise. I did not expect to be happy this month but I have been, and very much so. I did not expect that amanda would make it, or that I would find us necklaces. I am living in the cautious state of being afraid to expect joy out of life.

we went to snake & jake's and wrote poetry. I went to a party with bailey and ate a muffaletta. I saw yeasayer, the local natives, going to the thermals and los campesinos this weekend. I went to a bonfire where someone offered me a scientific internship. I took pictures of night. I saw the room at prytania at midnight and it was wonderful. I listened to songs about whales. I watched Phil reorganize magic cards on the couch, I watched movies with Evian asleep on the couch. I spilled coffee on my cowboy boots on tuesday, and my lecture on social cognition today was particularly good. I realized I have only written one story in the past two years and that it is closer to me now than my dreams at night are. I have had the most vivid dreams.

I hope you are doing well.
abigailnicole: (dreams)

"We get to thinking that there is no other happiness or good fortune in life except marriage; and it's offered in fiction as the highest premium for virtue, courage, beauty, learning, and saving human life. We all know it isn't. We know that in reality marriage is dog cheap, and anybody can have it for the asking--if he keeps asking enough people. By-and-by some fellow will wake up and see that a first-class story can be written from the anti-marriage point of view; and he'll begin with an engaged couple, and devote his novel to disengaging them, and rendering them separately happy ever after in the denouement. It will make his everlasting fortune."
-March, in William Howells' A Hazard of New Fortunes

I've been overcome with the desire to fill my life with beautiful things. This means reading lots of books, taking lots of pictures, texting my wives. I have this strange relationship with Amanda and Neil: I started reading both their blogs at the same time, and for a while it seemed like no matter what I was feeling Amanda managed to say something about it. But now I feel more like the plums and the honey, the cats and the words. what good is sitting alone in your room? But that's where I am now. Besides, I'm not alone in here, I have the whole internet coming with me.

Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I made bread, strawberry jam, tuna salad, chicken salad, regular salad, and spaghetti over the weekend. I'd love to go buy some yarn if the yarn shop weren't closed. Maybe it's the impending sense of fall--not weatherwise, I pool-lounged reading White Noise (review to follow) most of today, but school-wise. School equals fall. and school is catching up, books and plays to read, homologous chromosomes to organize, tests to study for, etc.

the water is pedal-deep so I'm hiding out in thel library. I'm at the beginnings of a head cold, the cotton-brain, phlegm-throat kind, I fell asleep at the beginning of Act V of A Midsummer Night's Dream last night with the light still on and tea getting cold and woke up at midnight to close my laptop and turn off the light. I woke up at 9 with the most vivid dreams that dissipated on sight. my life feels like a series of vignettes, waking up on the couch to sunset rubdown and a crick in my neck, waking up abruptly at rue de la course with a molecular biology book imprint on my face, not remembering falling asleep. A cocoon of oceanic bedding and waking up to Bottom's Dream. I woke up after a vivid dream about Jeopardy on ice, backwards jeopardy where the contestants fined the host and he came up with the right answer to get out of debt, but the host was neil patrick harris. all this was on one edge of a circular ice-skating rink.

I also have to get a new phone. Mine cuts off all calls arbitrarily at two to five minutes, takes three tries to send texts--also the port that the battery charger plugs into is stretched out to be a little too big for the charger, so it doesn't ever charge the battery properly. I could deal with all this if it would just text and call people correctly (the only things I do with my phone). I suppose a trip to the AT&T store is in order? I spent a lot of time on the phone with tech support for them to tell me I had a bad phone. any suggestions on what I should get for my new one?

I do believe I've spent more time writing this blog post than on my creative writing assignment. We all know where my true loyalties lie.


Aug. 23rd, 2010 12:02 am
abigailnicole: (dreams)

When I was 14 my history teacher described a movie he had seen, unable to recall the name. "You would know it, Nicole," he said. It was requiem for a dream. I haven't seen it, but it is the type of movie I would see, in that whole classroom only I would have, but I still don't know why Muncy singled me out.

Last night before falling asleep I has the strangest sensation. In that half-dream state an old woman walked up to me as I knelt in the darkness. She placed her hand on my forehead and pushed me over. It was the sensation of falling that woke me, the kick, the moment when you lose all control.

I'm not sleeping well yet

All the words I want to say come rushing out in my sleep, I see so many images and gain no meaning from them. I imagine running into old friends I haven't seen in a while, hugging them in a crowded street. I see myself stranded in a bar in south america, pleading for a phone line, calling you, Amanda. I am lost, I am a stranger here, get me back home, I say, but the connection is broken before you reply.

Tonight I rode my bike home in the pouring rain, holding a hand to my face to shield my eyes. It was light when we left campus, a drizzle that thickened before we hit willow, left me soaked and squinting at traffic. When we got home Evian and I stripped down and jumped in the pool in our underwear, turned on the light to give the water that magic green cast, like some alien home. Between the purple-storm-light sky and the neon water it was magic, floating on our backs, watching a lightning storm, while our neighbor played loud big-band jazz. "I didn't know this was on my bucket list but I can cross it off now" I told Evian.

"I'm really glad I decided not to live alone," she said.

Later we watched Mad Men with Bailey, drank coffee, I baked cookies and we ate the leftover dough. After mad men it was star trek, with Evian in Faine's pink snuggie, the rain intermittent and keeping us calm. I am far from home but I watch the stories of my mother with my girlfriends, I am a stranger here myself but I have inherited furniture that has been loved, I may be soaking wet but I am not alone.

I am grateful for all of these things.


Jul. 9th, 2010 10:23 am
abigailnicole: (dreams)

This makes the second night in a row I've dreamed episodes of Leverage, because my subconscious is awesome. In this one they had to pretend to behead Sophie--very convincingly, actually--because their offices were infiltrated. Also Nate had to fight off a demon who came to him via an elevator with mirrored sides, Parker was temporarily made queen of an island nation because Elliott's mum, the real Queen, was being a Miyazaki-eque pain and attempting to vacuum all the scum out of the ocean. I slept wonderfully.

I'm leaving tonight to go to the real ocean! I'm sure I'll have pictures once I get there. Have a good weekend, everyone!
abigailnicole: (Default)

I'm spending a lot of time in the room alone lately. I think I'll have a crazy dance party to celebrate. That's a lie. I'm not alone, its me and the hamster. did I tell yall we had a secret hamster? I think I did.

I've been dreaming about orgo again. for the first tine in months I started writing stories in my head over the weekend, real ghost stories after my sad halloween story, thinking about beginnings, words printed on a page, you know how sometimes the first half of the first sentence is in small caps, the--

The first drink I ever had
was a mint julep, and I bought it myself.

but that doesn't get me anywhere fast. I'm being a mopey oxygen, but perhaps I'll write something out of it. Last night when I woke up I still felt like I was being polarized in some solvent, DMSO, or DMF, or acetonitrile. I feel like I should go to Dr. Zhang's office hours and talk to her. "I don't have any questions over the chapters, no, thank you, you're a great teacher--but I keep dreaming that I'm an enantiomer, that I'm being built by a concerted mechanism, that I'm being dissolved in solvent slowly, one atom at a time--" she'd think I was crazy. my subconscious is all existential angst mixed with chemistry.

also that sentence is true.

abigailnicole: (dreams)

some points
  1. Brand New, you always come through for me when I need you
  2. I could still really use some appreciation
  3. I am typing on a computer keyboard where the y doesn't work. I have to Ctrl+V instead. how awful is this. This is because this is obviousl not my laptop, because when I came back there was sex, and so I'm in Willow lab. Whatever, I understand. But I don't have a lot of time to do homework today and this is pretty much it, so guess I'll just read Anthropology, Physics, and Orgo tomorrow. Whatever, it's not a lot.
  4. If this were my laptop I'd upload a new brand new song for you, from daisy, but it's not so I can't.
  5. I don't know my photobucket password. This isn't a problem except when I'm on other computers. I only have about 5 passwords, you think I'd remember....
  6. I dreamt of spanish class. Well, this isn't exactly right, I was in the high school auditorium but somehow watching the Superbowl at the same time. and I was thinking about Spanish--hablamos sobre el bolero, y en clase anteayer escuchamos a la cancion de "Piensa en mi" lo que es el titulo de la Phantom of the Opera, so in this dream they were singing "Think of Me" at the superbowl, except Raoul's part had been greatly expanded and included a soliloquy about how much he wanted to marry Christine but also how he couldn't because of a deep dark secret in his past, which I'm pretty sure was that he was already married. This is Phantom of the Opera at the superbowl with the plot of Jane Eyre in my dream.
  7. Also I'm taking my boyfriend out to dinner for his birthday tonight, which will be fun because we're going to the restaurant that invented bananas foster. But everytime I think about my birthday I just get kind of upset, because my birthday was pretty awful.
  8. I also had a dream that I met [livejournal.com profile] copperbadge on a boat to discuss fic over Andes mints and he was an especially petite girl. This is not what he is actually like, obviously, but this didn't really bother me at all and we discussed Torchwood and Mackinaw Island and food for a long time. I woke up starving
  9. and have still not eaten. I will go get a muffin, I think, because one cannot live in sexile without both computer AND food. cranberry orange muffin nom nom nom
  10. tension tension TENsion tensIONs. Positively and negatively charged atmospheres, how appropriate. I'm not doing well this week
  11. I am so glad there is not school tomorrow
  12. Brand New, you ALWAYS come through for me.
abigailnicole: (books)
The past few days I haven't fully unpacked, ie no toothbrush. I've been using mouthwash instead.I don't think this quite works well. Also, there's a bottle of Drano right next to the mouthwash under my sink. This could end poorly.

Dreamt I was at a a picnic with everyone and a marching band was playing Dr. Horrible. Also there were delicious brownies.

progress on the list:
1. I'm catching up on House, slowly. Partway through season five now...
2. almost done with the sleeves/back of amanda's sweater. I might have to go buy more yarn *wince*
3. closet is cleaned out! also all my suitcases are unpacked and so is my floor.
4. I did not make caramel apple cupcakes; instead, I made caramel apple MUFFINS with Lindsey. they were delicious, I'm doing an instructable whenever lindsey sends me the pictures.

unrelated, but I found my toothbrush and brushed my teeth! mouthwash is no substitute.

negative progress: have read no books, watched no movies. but it's only been four days.

I start work tomorrow. A Librarian! O man! I'm just that awesome. I'll be readin books like no other. I'll be on fire. Also I get to help out with their programs, which is all projects to go with books, like arts and crafts. So I get to read books and make things all summer at my job. Awesome!!!!
abigailnicole: (devil & god)
"I will put it into the hand of your tormentors, who have said to you: 'Lie down that we may walk over you.' You have even made your back like the ground and like the street for those who walk over it."
Isiah 51:23

last night I dreamt that I had a younger brother and a stepfamily. He had some sort of mental disorder--very severe OCD, perhaps, or very severe ADD--and the family we were with punished him for this severely and refused to acknowledge that it was a disorder. So I got tired of this and late one night, we ran off.

Our house was by the railroad tracks, and we snuck out of the house and started running down the road beside the railroad tracks, which ran parallel to town. We were halfway down this road, to the main street which went down a hill and directly into town, when the dogs started barking and they woke up and ran after us. We made it to main street and then into the town, running down side streets so they couldn't follow us before we made it to the train station. The train was about to leave so I put my brother on the train ans it was leaving and then left in the confusion of the train station.

The whole city was on the side of a valley--there was a lake in the very middle, with mountains on each side and a dam, built in steps, on the other side, away from the town. On these steps were a series of open pipes to bring water down from the mountains, but the water had been scarce so the pipes were mostly empty.They were large enough to walk in and I hid in them. They had reported me for kidnapping my brother and the police were looking for me.

People came to the mountainside then. Other people, some real people and some just dream-people, came to the mountainside and we started a colony in the pipes, hiding during the day so the police with their low-tech binoculars wouldn't see us and at night building campfires and coming out in the open, climbing up the steps and stealing food from the town. They looked for us, during the day, binoculars scanning the hillside, but as long as we stayed in the pipes, knee-deep in cold mountain water, we were safe.
abigailnicole: (Default)

permanent emotions of fear and panic? yes. things aren't quite real? yes.

halfway done with House of Leaves. am debating which book I want to read next so I don't have to do homework. I have no books to read for school as I am taking all math and science classes and spanish. probably this won't be the case next semester.

damn calculus. damn it all. damn damn damn. 1. I can only do math in the morning and 2. long years in public school have trained me to hate math. do not ask me why. I understand that numbers can be fun and that math is just a way to solve problems and that it's a discovery-based science and that it's not perfect and it can be tricky and amusing and you can do anything with numbers and pfft. I don't care. Someday when I am doing it as a recreational activity and not for a grade, not in my non-spare time, I will learn to love it, and until then I will just put up with it. when I do my calculus homework I feel depressed and idiotic. so I've decided to compile a list of songs to listen to while doing calculus, to make me feel better about myself:
1. electioneering - radiohead.
I discovered when I feel crappy about myself listening to radiohead makes me feel better. not sure why. I suppose it just gives me hope. which brings me to my next point:

Friday I went to get crepes with Tara, or rather she did and I didn't, and when we went in the crepe store Everything Is In Its Right Place was playing. Now, I haven't heard this song since Brandon T put it on a mix CD for me forever and ever ago. and I sat on the park bench in the crepe store just smiling and smiling and listening to this song, just as lovely as ever. and I went home (home in this case being [livejournal.com profile] freezepops) to download all the radiohead I could. how things just get better. and better.

things scare me a little bit because things right now are well. things right now are good, are fine, I don't feel like I'm barely treading water (except in calculus). this deceptive feeling must mean I really am flunking out and this deceptive lack of stress is just the universe's way of laughing at me. we will sink or swim together, succeed or fail together. I am afraid that goodness is not permanent and that entropy is the state of the universe so things will constantly become less ordered and less comprehensible instead of the latter. I am working, I am adding energy. but intertia is a very powerful force. I am babbling incoherently in my fear.

last night I dreamt that my contact lens and real lens and sclera came off and the aqueous humour came dripping out of my eye

sometimes I think college is a dream which I will awaken from shortly
and sit up, and look around, and feel some great sense of loss
then just pour some cereal and get on with my normal life.


Nov. 3rd, 2007 10:22 am
abigailnicole: (Default)
Last night I had a dream that I was working at a recovery house for abuse victims. First of all, it started as a dream of a (greatly reduced in size) Chicken Festival, where I was working booths, and I had to park somewhere. I found a lot right next to my parents' work, and I was ushered in by vaguely artistic looking people. When I got back, I realized that I had parked in their apartment, and wandered around the halls looking into which one. In one I found Andrew Francis, who was at this recovery house? (sorry Andrew, I was really sad that dream-you had been abused, too.) After that I got really concerned and one of the women who ran it came to talk to me. I don't know her name, but she was exactly like Amanda Palmer, if that makes sense, in the best way--eccentric and effective and amazing. It turned out that she and a large black man (who looked like Tealk off Stargate) were running the entire thing. It was a six-step program and I went through the six steps myself--I think I had to before I could work there. Afterwards, as I was on the last step, she came in and asked if I was ready, and I accepted the job. That's when mom came by, looking for me, and I introduced her to everyone and then she left again. Something happened after that--the police came in, trying to arrest us all for illegally parking cars in our building.

What I remember most was the incredible attachment I felt to the place and the people there. In the dream, it was like my family--I was at home there, all those people were my friends, we were completely comfortable around each other all the time. When the police came, I wanted to defend that place and all the good they were doing.
abigailnicole: (not envy)
Oh, the post I've been trying to make since Wednesday and haven't had time for. Ready?

1. I made a new CD and put it in my car. It has Arc of Time (Time Code), you know, the happy one with the clapping-stopping techno, and Bombs over Baghdad and Teenagers and Jason Mraz and Franz Ferdinand and Pure Morning and Ben Folds. It is so great that I'm thinking about making copies for all my friends.

2. My to-do list gets longer than ever. However, things of interest include: "Come up with an idea for NaNo", which my creative writing class is doing (otherwise I'd just drop it, I've got way too much to do anyway. hahaha.).

3. I finally saw House last night! Season 4, surprise. We've had academic games every time so I couldn't. It was a home game so we got food and then watched V for Vendetta in our coach's room. Everyone got so caught up in it that we finished it after the game. Oh, and we're having a Waffle House house House party Saturday. That is, we're eating at Waffle House, then going back to my house to watch House M.D. Hurrah!

4. Tuesday I had an academic game, Monday I had a college fair in Lexington, so I dove on the interstate. I almost typed "drove on the internet." Sunday we had church and went to corbin. Saturday was actually relatively exciting; I had the SAT in the morning, then came home and read HP7 again, properly this time in a good 5-6 hours. Then my family and boyfriend went to Red Lobster. It was a really good day.

5. Oh! And after Red Lobster we went to Hastings, where I saw, upon entering, Making Money. The new Terry Pratchett book. I clasped it to my chest and carried it around praising its glories (though I hadn't read it yet). Now that I have read it (finished Monday), my thoughts are thus: It is much less like Going Postal and reminded me more of books like Guards! Guards!. It feels more chaotic--you never know what's happening or what's coming from where. It's all a jolly good ride, and Moist doesn't have anything under control this time. His plots are all so strange that I have a feeling he writes the book then goes back and throws in foreshadowing just so the ending makes sense. But I still love them all and would buy it again (if I hadn't already, of course, I wouldn't buy two copies for no reason).

6. Tests this week. Monday: Multiple-choice Frankenstein in AP English. Tuesday: Essay Frankenstein in AP English. Friday: AP Chemistry chapter 8 test and AP Calculus test on limits to infinity, Rolle's theorem, Mean Value theorem...etc. Still need to call about tutoring, check FastWeb, write a literary analysis...

7. My grandparents want to take us to Florida over fall break. But they'll only go if both of us want to go. My brother wants to, but when I said I didn't my family was all like: "WHAT?! WHY?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" etc.

8. Dream I had Saturday Morning, conveniently recorded via voice recorder. )
abigailnicole: (Default)
What is LJ bitching about, again? I don't know.

I have a toothbrush in my mouth right now. I just took this picture, this is what I look like:

but anyway.

This morning, I awoke at the god-unholy hour of 6 am with STABBING HUNGER PAINS. I tried to go back to sleep, but with no avail, so at 6:45 I got up and ate a pop tart (brought it back up to my bed and ate it). It was yummy.

Anyway, I went back to sleep after that and had a dream that Ben Folds was performing at my school, except he didn't perform any songs I knew and his singing voice was really high. At the end of his set he said something like: "Well, you all have been great, but it's time for me to go home" and I yelled: "ARE YOU GOING BACK TO NASHVILLE?!"

After the show I went over and talked to him and the dialogue went something like this:
MeBen Folds
I saw you in--Did you see--

which was really exciting and just proves that I dream about Amanda Palmer's Blog.

I think this is the third time I've brushed my teeth today. 

I have 3000 words done on my play, which is exciting, but I need more stuff to happen in Act One and I don't know what.

Also--SURPRISE!--I'm a camp counselor next week, for my Youth Leader is leading  a week of camp and wants me to counsel. Which is rather surprising. I think I used to be really close to my Youth Leader and now I feel like she's just kind of annoyed by me all the time and doesn't really want to talk to me. She's one of those people who is perpetually so busy she's always really...um...uptight? is that the word I want? about getting things done and not wasting time.  But I still like her, so I guess I'm going to camp. LITTLE KIDS THE WOE >>>>>>>>>dies<<<<<<<<<<

And then when I got up at ten I was STABBING HUNGER PAINS again ('stabbing hunger pains' in this sentence having the meaning of 'tengo hambre'). My dad made me an egg sandwich with one piece of bread and two eggs and it was delicious. And now it is 11:44 and I am HUNGRY AGAIN. Damn.  I wish all my hunger would go away.


abigailnicole: (Default)

March 2013


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