12:01

Aug. 23rd, 2010 12:02 am
abigailnicole: (dreams)


When I was 14 my history teacher described a movie he had seen, unable to recall the name. "You would know it, Nicole," he said. It was requiem for a dream. I haven't seen it, but it is the type of movie I would see, in that whole classroom only I would have, but I still don't know why Muncy singled me out.

Last night before falling asleep I has the strangest sensation. In that half-dream state an old woman walked up to me as I knelt in the darkness. She placed her hand on my forehead and pushed me over. It was the sensation of falling that woke me, the kick, the moment when you lose all control.

I'm not sleeping well yet

All the words I want to say come rushing out in my sleep, I see so many images and gain no meaning from them. I imagine running into old friends I haven't seen in a while, hugging them in a crowded street. I see myself stranded in a bar in south america, pleading for a phone line, calling you, Amanda. I am lost, I am a stranger here, get me back home, I say, but the connection is broken before you reply.

Tonight I rode my bike home in the pouring rain, holding a hand to my face to shield my eyes. It was light when we left campus, a drizzle that thickened before we hit willow, left me soaked and squinting at traffic. When we got home Evian and I stripped down and jumped in the pool in our underwear, turned on the light to give the water that magic green cast, like some alien home. Between the purple-storm-light sky and the neon water it was magic, floating on our backs, watching a lightning storm, while our neighbor played loud big-band jazz. "I didn't know this was on my bucket list but I can cross it off now" I told Evian.

"I'm really glad I decided not to live alone," she said.

Later we watched Mad Men with Bailey, drank coffee, I baked cookies and we ate the leftover dough. After mad men it was star trek, with Evian in Faine's pink snuggie, the rain intermittent and keeping us calm. I am far from home but I watch the stories of my mother with my girlfriends, I am a stranger here myself but I have inherited furniture that has been loved, I may be soaking wet but I am not alone.

I am grateful for all of these things.
abigailnicole: (happy)


just finished season one of Leverage and now I'm so happy! GUYS FORGET MED SCHOOL I WANNA BE A CAT BURGULAR. IMMA START GYMNASTICS YESTERDAY. I did take a practice MCAT today so I'm not totally slacking off, that was my reward for four hours of practice testing.

I know it's summer but I keep listening to winter music, I want Fionn Regan's opaque beauty in my life. You know how things just get so lovely sometimes? That, in music form so Bunker or Basement the bills pile up, the sea view was never an option below sea level...

So just an FYI on my activities. I take the MCAT the 4th, head back to NOLA leaving the night of the 5th or morning of the 6th. Right? No time for packing. Evian you're gonna be loaning me a lot of clothes, thanks lady.

Overall, though, this has been a good summer.

But it's not been a good school year. This past year wasn't a very good one in any respect. I lost almost fifteen pounds, due to stress, IBS, and an inability to eat by myself. I injured some friendships to the point where I don't know if they will ever be the same again, if I can ever look at these people without resentment. I lost a cousin and an aunt.

But I gained things, too. My culmulative GPA is 3.9, I have early acceptance to medical school. I lost fifteen pounds! (That's American, right, to celebrate something like that.) I made a lot of really great new friends, got to take Organic Chemistry (I'm gonna miss orgo so much) and spend lots of time with Josh Kamnetz. I might have lost my mind a few times. I don't know if the grades were worth it, though, worth the injured relationships and the unhappiness...maybe it would have happened anyway, maybe some things are inevitable. But I'm going to try to do better next year.

This summer has been good for me. I get to eat two or three meals a day (!!! this doesn't happen in college). I get seven to eight hours of sleep a night (!!! this doesn't happen in college). I have a real job, I'm making money, I get to see my mom every day and eat food that has been cooked, go grocery shopping, wake up and do sun salutes, read books, only minimal studying. Try to give myself time to get over a lot of that anger and frustration that built up last year...it's worked, a little bit. I found a new TV show, watched some movies, wrote on time-travel story, got to drive the parkway, see my wives. I feel like a real person again!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE LITTLE THINGS. Watching the Food Network, reading the Wall Street Journal in the mornings, Jeopardy with grandmom, mum buying soymilk specially for me. I keep thinking that I'm closer to thirty than sixteen (TRUFAX, ENTROPY GUYS) and that things aren't going to get easier ever. How many books have I written? How many paintings have I stolen? I've got to make the soymilknewspaperdays count, there are too many good books at the library to spend lonely nights feeling sad anymore, and there's always a movie on TV to watch with my mom (the greatest person alive). What do you like about being home?
abigailnicole: (books)
"Your neck is like the tower of David, built with rows of stones on which are hung a thousand shields, all the round shields of the mighty men."
Song of Solomon 4:4

Ladies and gentleman, I am packing to leave college.

For some reason, (and none of my friends are doing this) I'm packing my clothes first. I have three full suitcases and posters still on my walls, books still on my shelves. I did not realize I had so many clothes I don't wear. This summer I'm weeding out tshirts and clothes and closets and everything. I also have a mile-long (okay, page-long) list of books to read. I wanna watch Big Bang Theory via proxy with JR and watch Red Dwarf for my own amusement and finish the Delilah story (this has been a goal for six months now) and make a tshirt quilt and knit amanda's sweater and clean out my closet and get rid of all my possessions but books and yarn and clothes and oh yeah, stuff I wanna knit. maybe I should get a job too. LET'S SEE HOW MANY OF THESE I ACTUALLY DO.

really. so much stuff. I'm converting all my DVDs and CDs to digital files and getting a bigger external hard drive and making my laptop better (ie faster ie it won't have all of new Who and Torchwood and movies and 7000 songs cause they'll be on a nice terabyte hard drive I will get) and clean my laptop! and replace all the stickers on the keys that are scratching off because I type with my fingernails. Oh man guys, this summer will be so superproductive I might explode. (hint: this will not happen. hopefully some of it will.)

lists )

updates

Jan. 8th, 2009 12:08 pm
abigailnicole: (Default)

new phone, same TARDIS


a.) last night I spent with people I love here and we just talked about all the stuff we have done at college. It was good, to remember this semester with these people. Now I just want to go back.

2.) I got a new phone! is a Samsung Propel with one of those little slide out full keyboards. not used to it yet. the only thing I don't like is that when people text me it does the same ringtone for all of them, where my old phone used each person's individual ringtone. as no one ever calls me, this means there is really no point in giving people individual ringtones...other than that I like it, is blue and black and such and sparkly. not acutal sparkles per se but you know, sparkles in the metaphoric sense of sparkles.

c.) I have lost my motivation to knit. I still have to make a scarf and a hat. I have another scarf I'm supposed to make and forget it, I don't want to do it anymore, wanna--

4.) GO BACK TO SCHOOL ahhhh if they moved it up a week and started classes on wednesday I'd be really happy. If could have flown back Sunday and then started class today. that would be better than the current fly back sunday start classes monday nonsense. at least we get MLK day off? o ladies. I miss my boy and my roommates...
abigailnicole: (not envy)


in atlanta again. doing the lat night blog post thing from a different house. every time I spend the night in an unfamiliar place I want to write you all a post describing the experience, just in case it isn't repeated? I want to remember all the nights I spend in strange beds far from home.

today we drove through atlanta for two hours, in bumper to bumper traffic. in times like this the waiting is useless and there is no conversation and bad radio music. I think I alternately slept and listened to Repo, which set off a chain of events beginning with an insatiable urge to call Evian and sing: "I'M INFECTED---BY YOUR GENETICS!" into her voicemail (which I didn't do for fear she'd answer and there would be an awkward, 'I-wanted-your-voicemail' pause) and culminating in me listening to this soundtrack seven times. It...grows on you.

It's a love/hate movie, definitely, not something you can see and just say: "oh, okay, I appreciate this but not my thing" no. love/hate. and people either love it or hate it for the same reasons. I saw it and immediately said THIS COULD BE THE GREATEST MOVIE (about an organ repossession man and his daughter) THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN EVER. the qualifier is both necessary and unnecessary. It's really not the greatest movie ever. The plot is kind of hmm? the characters tyical, the concept a bit ridiculous. But the mere fact of its existence is so important, the fact that there are people out there who can write music like this and a story like this and the costumes! the settings! The mere fact that it exists, when it defies all the entertainment-weekly sanctioned laws of culture, is so, so, so important to me. It's not even close to Rocky Horror but yes, it is the same.

It comes down to alternative lifestyle. Let's get this straight: I am not...that. I didn't like liberal arts summer camp because it didn't make sense, the things they advocated and fought for so fervently, the people were fair-trade shoppers and vegan but their attitudes were still closeminded. I think I've said this before--they couldn't understand why anyone would ever have voted for Bush, which is just---foolish, I guess, I can't think of a better word. Why would you be that elitist in your thinking? You're cutting yourself off from experiencing all that diversity you're so big on. But at the same time I am not a right wing conservative anything, because that doesn't make sense either, for reasons all the people reading this blog already understand (as you are all liberals except JR). It is important, and on the whole I tend to think conservatism is the more prudent course of action when no solution readily presents itself. it's human nature: be cautious and proceed slowly, testing one variable at a time. this is all common sense stuff.

And there are certain traditions within that. I am big on personal responsibility. If you want to get married, get married, that's your choice and your decision, I don't really care. (this is...mostly my gay marriage stance, by the way. If you are gay and want to get married, fine, whatever. I understand that 'marriage' has a certain connotation associated with it, but if civil unions give you the same rights under a different name...? I know in many places they don't. But in both cases, we're arguing over....symbolic semantics. Marriage is a symbol, sure. But the symbol itself doesn't guarantee the relationship and having a guaranteed, long-lasting relationship between two consenting parties that is a healthy environment for both (or more) parties really is a marriage, regardless of what you want to call it or what the government says. really, less government control the better, and this is true for just about everything.) But I digress. damn, what was my original point.

anyway, my real, first original point was on the thought of the house.

If you read my delilah story--1522 St Joan Ave--then you know about the house idea, the Party house. Amanda started this story but it wasn't her idea. I have wanted to live in a giant house with all of my friends ever since I was eight years old. And I wrote that story as sort of a wish-fufillment for me, because I do want to live in a giant old house where it doesn't matter if Hannah draws pin-up girls on the bathroom walls or I write haikus across my ceiling. I have this idea that things don't have to be nice to be meaningful. Taking in cast-out things. Taking in an old abandoned house and making it beautiful by virtue of the love and effort you put into it, even if it's not conventional, even if it "degrades" it in society's eyes by lowering the property value or whatever. But LOVING it is important. RESPECT. I don't mind people sharing my house, my fridge, my dorm room---but I make the mistake of overestimating people, I assume that people respect their friends and their friends' property because I do. And that is why this wonderful house idea will not happen, not the way I want, not in the way I imagine it and in a way that's workable and will ever happen. Ideas differ. People...don't respect things. The pin-up girl in the bathroom would get a moustache scribbled on her, the haikus would be replaced by 'fuck's in true Holden Caufield fashion. And that, to have that dream of my...Utopian community, I suppose...ruined like that, by those kinds of people, is worse than never realizing that dream. Is it better to have a dream you know is impossible or try to realize it and have it ruined for you? It's why I'm letting the Delilah house live on in fiction only.

Houses are important to me. A house prompted this post, my uncle's house. House of Leaves, for that matter. Being at home in my own house makes me think about living space, about the arrangement of Objects in Space and color and how houses are just representations of things inside you. I like old houses with irregularly-sized doorframes and big locks and narrow stairs for the same reason I like getting hand-me down clothes: it is something old and already lived-in that someone else has loved and is used to being a home, used to being worn. It takes a bit of work but that's just a chance for you to put a piece of yourself in it, just like the people before you put a piece of themselves in it as well. This is human heritage and tradition being passed down via material objects.

that also could be why I journal and photograph and create so obsessively. my heritage passed on through material objects.

my journal for 2008 is almost done. I have 37 pages left in my notebook for this year. That is a lot of pages to fill in three days, but thirty-seven is my lucky number--it is my birthday, 03/07. and both numbers are fairly significant biblically speaking. also they are both prime, for that matter all three are prime. 3, 7, 37. If you would like to, I would like it if you have any quotes/poems/cartoons/things that you would suggest as a good 'end of 2008' finishing to this notebook.

then it's time to start anew on fresh pages with fresh pens. 2009, here we come.
abigailnicole: (bad day)


items:

1. NO ONE WILL GO TO CONOR OBERST WITH ME. my friends suck a lot. this means I have to take a cab there and back at weird hours of the morning by myself. watching conor oberst by myself I have no problem with. just the sketchy cab ride there and back kinda bothers me. also, I feel like if this were an amanda palmer concert, I wouldn't have this problem. It'd be like a lunch date with an old friend and you know she'd wait for you there and talk to you and be so understanding and amazing once you got there that it'd be worth it. Conor Oberst, on the other hand, who I love dearly for his ridiculous songwriting abilities, is a ryan-adams-esque bastard who I feel like would be angry and drunk the whole time. Unlike the Amanda Palmer is my best friend vibe. But they're both in my top five favorite artists so I HAVE TO GO. I mean, I have You Will, You Will, You Will (download) as a ringtone. remember two years ago when every post I made had a bright eyes lyric in it somewhere? it's necessary that I do this.
...alone, in parts of New Orleans I haven't been to before, coming back at 1am...

I'm resigning myself to this. Doesn't mean it won't be sketchy and unsafe as all hell...I need a Captain Jack Harkness coat for adventures of this scale. (also I am not very brave.)

and since I get to go see Conor Oberst, here, have a track from his (latest) solo project. NYC Gone, Gone.. very untypical in that it's actually fun happy conor oberst. good driving music if I had a car. where you gonna go with a head that empty? where you gonna go with a heart that gone?

2. I made a hundred on my bio test. take THAT. ahh. Dr. V got me a hershey bar because of it. o so happy.

3. leaving for home on tuesday. before that I have a calculus quiz (tomorrow) and a spanish oral test. come back, have a calculus test, have finals, go home for christmas. this is a strange time.

4. Twilight movie comes out Friday, guys. When my roommates found out they got so excited. We're going at 4 as soon as Bailey's class is over. All we talked about at supper (we eat every day at 2pm, which is too late for lunch/too early for dinner, so I will call it supper) was how much Edward Cullen should not look like that. I don't even like these books, and they've provided me with so much laughter: reading the actual books, reading the parodies, and now the movie should be lol worthy, because you know it's not gonna be good...

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Nicole

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