abigailnicole: (Default)

the equinox
me, taken by my boyfriend, september equinox 2011
(I like very few pictures taken of myself and this one I like a lot.) 



today the weather is cold (cold, so cold, it was 58 when I awoke and is all the way up to 64 now) and wonderful and instead of enjoying it I am inside completing secondary apps for medical school.


they say things like

"Give an example of personal feedback in the last few years that was difficult to receive. How did you respond?"


"The most meaningful achievements are often non-academic in nature. Describe the personal non-academic accomplishment that makes you most proud. Why is this important to you?"


"Describe a problem in your life.  Include how you dealt with it and how it influenced your growth."


which are of course the kind of things on secondary applications. It is just exhausting to answer more than fifteen "DESCRIBE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FROM THEN UNTIL NOW AND YOUR FUTURE PLANS AND WHY" questions at a time. I don't want to talk about timelines (please don't mention/ask) and goals and the various medschool "what? why do I wanna do this? WHAT IF I DON'T" freakouts I've had over the past few months, especially summer. There is no past and no future and there is only the purity of color and the way the wind sometimes feels like fabric against your skin, and the way the ends of your hair split into such fine pieces that you can only see them as golden lines in the light. 

Since reading Gravity's Rainbow it is harder for me to worry about little things. I think this is a good thing. I have a sense of perspective which certainly makes my mental state better: there is no bomb going to be dropped on me. How can you worry about wordcounts and deadlines when a.) there is no V2 rocket hanging over your head and b.) you know something beautiful and meaningful exists in the world? I cannot. I am calmly giving this my best shot, telling them what they want to know, and leaving it at that. Sometimes I need to stop and make tea and bake a cake and go to lunch or ride my bike around in this lovely weather and that is just how it is. I will work on it and get it done on time. 

I need this equanimity now. Last night I dreamed both my thesis readers came to me and said: "we need to read your thesis RIGHT NOW" and awoke relieved that I had a solid 50 pages to give them, with specific spots marked that I was working on and writing for. I saw one of my thesis readers last night, on Magazine Street. It was Art for Art's Sake, which is an event where the dozens of art galleries on Magazine street have open houses and each one has free wine and food. I walked up and down Magazine for three hours and lost track of how much wine and how many tiny sandwiches and tiny desserts I ate. My professor was walking into a little gallery near Napoleon and I said hello, asked him how he was enjoying the art. "I just got here," he replied, to which I said: "Well, you better start on the refreshments!"  My mother has raised me to be a charming, hospitable person who is capable of making small talk, and she is a wonderful perfect lady. 

Our favorite exhibit (mine and my boyfriend's) was at a little art school near Jefferson, which I've walked past many times but never entered. One room had 3D paintings--sculptures that hung on the walls and came out from them, unpainted clay that came out from the wall. Many of them were distorted, like photos taken with a wide-angle lens. One had death walking through the streets, second-line style, in a suit with an umbrella. Another had a nude woman standing in front of a mirror: on the other side of the mirror was another sculpture of a woman, standing in the same position, in a room full of 3D objects. I wanted it to be lit from within. The woman was connected to the sculpture only by the slightest connection at her elbow: she hung there, torso suspended in air, held in place only by her reflection. 

Yesterday I wanted ginger ale and so came home and made my own ginger soda: this is very easy. You boil equal parts sugar and water and however much you feel of sliced ginger, then add seltzer water. When I opened the seltzer water it spewed all over my clothes (the first long-sleeved shirt of the season) and I was upset for all of five minutes. When I checked the ingredients on seltzer water it said the following: "CARBONATED WATER." The CO2 diffused and the water evaporated. I took a nap on the square of sunshine on my bed and my shirt dried. Are all my problems so small? 
abigailnicole: (bad day)

today in evolutionary psychology we talked about a study done to determine what children think after about the afterlife. The question was: “Now that the mouse is no longer alive…” and there were a variety of questions, ranging from “will he ever need to eat food again?” to “does he still hope he gets better at math?” and they recorded the percentage of five year old children who said yes or no.

When asked "Now that the mouse is no longer alive, is he still angry at his brother?", 60% said no. When asked: “Now that the mouse is no longer alive, does he still want to go home?” only 24% said no. When asked “Now that the mouse is no longer alive, does he still love his mom?”, only 6% of children answered no.

A girl in my creative writing class collapsed yesterday in front of me during the break. Her legs gave up and she fell over. “I just haven’t eaten much today,” she said when pressed, and we went back inside. When you’re falling down in front of other people there is something else wrong. I didn’t know what to say to you, but I hope things get better soon.
abigailnicole: (dreams)

"We get to thinking that there is no other happiness or good fortune in life except marriage; and it's offered in fiction as the highest premium for virtue, courage, beauty, learning, and saving human life. We all know it isn't. We know that in reality marriage is dog cheap, and anybody can have it for the asking--if he keeps asking enough people. By-and-by some fellow will wake up and see that a first-class story can be written from the anti-marriage point of view; and he'll begin with an engaged couple, and devote his novel to disengaging them, and rendering them separately happy ever after in the denouement. It will make his everlasting fortune."
-March, in William Howells' A Hazard of New Fortunes

I've been overcome with the desire to fill my life with beautiful things. This means reading lots of books, taking lots of pictures, texting my wives. I have this strange relationship with Amanda and Neil: I started reading both their blogs at the same time, and for a while it seemed like no matter what I was feeling Amanda managed to say something about it. But now I feel more like the plums and the honey, the cats and the words. what good is sitting alone in your room? But that's where I am now. Besides, I'm not alone in here, I have the whole internet coming with me.

Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I made bread, strawberry jam, tuna salad, chicken salad, regular salad, and spaghetti over the weekend. I'd love to go buy some yarn if the yarn shop weren't closed. Maybe it's the impending sense of fall--not weatherwise, I pool-lounged reading White Noise (review to follow) most of today, but school-wise. School equals fall. and school is catching up, books and plays to read, homologous chromosomes to organize, tests to study for, etc.

the water is pedal-deep so I'm hiding out in thel library. I'm at the beginnings of a head cold, the cotton-brain, phlegm-throat kind, I fell asleep at the beginning of Act V of A Midsummer Night's Dream last night with the light still on and tea getting cold and woke up at midnight to close my laptop and turn off the light. I woke up at 9 with the most vivid dreams that dissipated on sight. my life feels like a series of vignettes, waking up on the couch to sunset rubdown and a crick in my neck, waking up abruptly at rue de la course with a molecular biology book imprint on my face, not remembering falling asleep. A cocoon of oceanic bedding and waking up to Bottom's Dream. I woke up after a vivid dream about Jeopardy on ice, backwards jeopardy where the contestants fined the host and he came up with the right answer to get out of debt, but the host was neil patrick harris. all this was on one edge of a circular ice-skating rink.

I also have to get a new phone. Mine cuts off all calls arbitrarily at two to five minutes, takes three tries to send texts--also the port that the battery charger plugs into is stretched out to be a little too big for the charger, so it doesn't ever charge the battery properly. I could deal with all this if it would just text and call people correctly (the only things I do with my phone). I suppose a trip to the AT&T store is in order? I spent a lot of time on the phone with tech support for them to tell me I had a bad phone. any suggestions on what I should get for my new one?

I do believe I've spent more time writing this blog post than on my creative writing assignment. We all know where my true loyalties lie.
abigailnicole: (Default)

My creative writing teacher asked me "if you made a playlist right now what would be the third song on it?"

without hesitation: "Snow Cherries From France." I still know what songs one through five are, too.

I miss my wife. I miss her dearly. I want to give her hugs and play her CDs, the kind of CDs you give someone in movies where you drive through colored leaves with the dappled sunlight falling through the car windows, when you're wearing that crummy old perfect sweater and the best sunglasses. Maybe you're driving to the coast where there are ocean-noises and the smell of salt water to make you forget, maybe you're not, maybe it's just somewhere where tree'd mountains give way to those scratchy tall grasses. Maybe you're in shorts and ratty old canvas tennis shoes, maybe not. Maybe we are listening to the milk-eyed mender or maybe it is little earthquakes. I think of you when I wake, amanda, every luminious two-in-the-morning with bon iver and no one call. I miss you dearly.

I read A Midsummer Night's Dream today at work. It is still my least favorite Shakespeare play; I like his comedies but this one is too caricatured for my taste, I am not fond of slapstick humour and magic love potions are full of it. I am not overfond of Romeo & Juliet either and this parody-version of it is still not my cup o tea.

somewhere there would be Here. In My Head. just for the
show you the roses, that brush off the snow, and open their petals again and again

I would.

I have a job now. I am manning a desk in the English office. right now I am quite hungry and too discouraged to say more. I will make some bread dough and try again.
abigailnicole: (Default)
Spring Break is officially over, but I have no classes today, so it's mostly still on. This week I have only two days of classes, actually. But also two tests, so I'm spending a lot of time making Genetics notes and texting people about physics. Probably less useful than actually doing my physics, but you know, texting people about it is much more entertaining.

Have some media!

new orleans in the spring )
I've always been interested in photographing things, collections of things, inanimate objects. Usually temporary collections of inanimate objects: little mini-shrines, in a way, and what they say about people. What's in your purse, what's in your pockets, on your nightstand, in your backpack, decorating the wall facing your bed. What do all these collections of objects say about you?

Beyond that I only have a few weeks of school left. We're house-hunting, when we find one I'll tell you: we've got a few good prospects so far, all with gas stoves.

I picked out all the songs I like in my iTunes, which is about 250 of them. Oh dear. If you would like one, pick a number between one and two hundred and fifty and I'll upload one for you, with a small written description. I promise it will be fantastic!

Spring break has brought on the GSA fever. I call it GSA fever because it is the feeling I had at GSA. you know if I get this creative scholars program, I'm going to be an english major with a creative writing focus? That means that for my Honor's thesis senior year I want to write a novel. The Delilah novel. I have this all worked out in my head, pictures of the porch and the characters and the way the house and the Agency work. This brings me back to GSA I suppose for a good reason...

and that is the way I want to record my entire life all the time. I want to tell you how it feels to sit here and listen to smooth Rockland County, "the swimming-pool noises" and try and read about snRNPs and splicing and how nice it feels to wear a tank top again, feel my hair growing: it's long enough to brush the top of my shoulders when I walk, fine and feathery on my skin. We're looking at houses, and when you're looking at houses everything is exciting because it's about potential. This space has the potential to be perfect! it's not now, it won't be, but it could be. We looked at a basement house with empty tile floors, in blue and green and purple, with a porch swing and windows. I could make curtains and live in a purple room. I could drink tea on the back porch and write my honors' thesis novel.

But this is how it is, I want to describe to you the way everything feels right now. Lazy and heavy and warm. Fountain pens that constantly spill ink on your fingers and pages; it manages me, I do not really manage it....some cartridges are more well-behaved than others. When you have a fountain pen, beware! They are temperamental creatures whose moods change with the color and consistency of their cartridge. My blue lasted forever and was perfect, but my pink was so contrary it all wrote watery and finally just broke down after two half-ink half-water pages. This red cartridge has lovely ink but likes to cover my fingers with red-ink bloodstains. I apologize Amanda.

It's time for summertime music. Put away the winter clothes! Bring out lemonade and iced tea. I want light, sunny songs and green grass and the loveliness of new orleans in the spring.

time for more DNA and magnetic-electric forces. oh, my concentration is terrible.
abigailnicole: (Default)

I have eleven stumbles, eleven new emails, a coke, class in an hour. I've been gathering time and strength to reply to these things. it's been kind of busy since I came back, but it's good to be back, to see everyone again and be back with all my clothes and friends and snoopy! I do, however, miss my parents, my bed, and my ukulele.

all the songs I've downloaded recently have been guitar-ballads, almost bluegrass-like in their picking precision. The Gambler. Food In The Belly. Oldertoo. even Hey Rabbit....sometimes good things fall through the cracks.

my ability to read things right now is not well, my contacts have been acting funny lately. Like my mother's! Reading close-up things with my contacts in has been silly, I have to Ctrl+ webpages and sit closer to the computer screen/textbook. My eyes are really bad--I went from -5.75 to -6 in my left eye this time, and I didn't think it made much of a difference? but I'll switch back to the old ones next time and see. I still have a box anyway.

It's really strange to think about waking up every morning and putting corrective pieces of plastic-membrane in your eyes so you can see. it's like we live in the future!

they're renovating campus. They took out the asphalt road to put in new asphalt, and a box of raised grass, and put new lamps next to the old lamps. it's like 'changed from glory into glory'....really, I don't understand the change.
abigailnicole: (Default)

so at Dustin's house, the Party party, Dustin has a record player, and his mom's old records, and it's amazing. Someday, when I live in a house and have nice things, I want a real sound system. Perhaps even a USB turntable and maybe I will buy that In The Aeroplane Over The Sea record I hold longingly every time I go to the Mushroom, and take all of mum's old unused records. She still has her turntable and records: however, it is still on European voltage.

I am ready to go back to school....

I think if I had to give advice to anyone it would be BE CLEVER, BE BRAVE because I think with those two cardinal virtues can get you through many things. Being clever means knowing when to be good and when to be bad, it includes a good sense of timing and knowledge of human nature and knowing when to stop and when to go: you can do all of these things if you are clever. I am trying to be brave but not doing very well, so this decade I will do better at that.

Decade, eh? this year I turn 20. So from 20 to 30 I will try to be clever and brave.
abigailnicole: (Default)

now I am done with all my finals and it is raining like this. so my last night in new orleans I am somberly spending inside with too little food and the internet. I fly out tomorrow at 10am and usually I like to do flying-out sum-up posts. so.

It has not been a very good semester, or maybe I've just done a poorer job at being a happy human being this semester. I am glad it is over and I hope I got good grades and that next semester will be better, that I will do a better job managing all myself. I have not been very happy this semester. I have a month to work on it.

I keep giving myself more problems! first lactose intolerance and now maybe hypoglycemia! I've dismissed it before but THREE PEOPLE THIS WEEK have told me that I act like a hypoglycemic. I'm sorry guys, when I don't eat I get angry and then dizzy when I walk up stairs, why do I keep discovering eating-related disorders I may have. what if I really am perfectly healthy to eat anything and secretly have an eating disorder.

what if secretly inside my head I'm a crazy person who is going to die very soon?

I am very glad finals are over because maybe I will stop being crazy and get enough sleep and knit and read some books again
abigailnicole: (mad)

my roommates came in for a few minutes then left. I think they go the message with the PJs, the tea, the loud music and the HOMEWORK STREWN ALL OVER MY BED. HI I HAVE FINALS NEXT WEEK. THAT'S RIGHT, GO STAY AT YOUR BOYFRIENDS' HOUSE.

As it is I am blowing off a party for this. It is a party at the monastery, where I go for all my parties, but it is 33 degrees outside and everyone there smokes but me, so I would be outside in 33 degree weather watching a lot of people smoke cigars/cigarettes for a few hours. IT'S THIRTY THREE DEGREES oh it is so cold and it is so silly. It is SNOWING. not sticking, mind you, this is New Orleans. but still snowing.

finals list! I need to do orgo/physics/spanish and instead I just want to knit mittens. My hands were so cold today, guys. I'm gonna make owl mittens and line them in fleece and totoro mittens and line them also, in all likelihood, and then another pair for myself. I just want to knit mittens! I don't want to review 20 chapters of physics or proton nuclear magnetic resonance or infrared spectroscopy or rewrite my papers. I want HOT CHOCOALTE

okay sidetrack here. being on my period during aforementioned STUPIDLY COLD WEATHER has given me insane cravings for hot chocolate. I went downstairs, to the coffee shop under my dorm, you know? because they have ANDES MINT HOT CHOCOLATE and OM NOM IT IS DELICIOUS. So last night in the midst of my menstrual despair and mood-swings (if you can't tell by my tone so far) I went for this amazing hot chocolate. Three people in line. I walk up to the counter and am told: "I'm sorry, we're out of Andes Mints" and I'm pretty sure my face fell about three feet and looked like a five-year-old about to cry. The girl behind the counter looked very concerned and I walked away dejectedly.

So today I went to get hot chocolate at the cafeteria? except the machine also dispenses coffee. So the hot-chocolate I got was hot-chocolate with old, sour coffee. This was disappointing. Then I went to the food court, and THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED. My room has only tea, which normally I love tea and I'm drinking some right now but ON MY PERIOD AND IT IS COLD AND HOT CHOCOLATE OM NOM OM NOM.

Someone brought Chocovine to our thanksgiving party, which is a dutch alcohol that is basically "Dutch chocolate mixed with fine red wine" and by that I mean alcoholic chocolate milk. I tried a little bit even though I do not drink very much (this is my experience with all alcohol, just sipping out of other people's cups). Evian said it was her ideal menstrual drink. Chocolate and wine! perfect! But I must say just some creamy sweet hot chocolate is all I want. Maybe with whipped cream and marshmallows. oh man. I'm making myself crazy with desire for hot chocolate.

Okay, so 90% of this post has been just describing how badly I want hot chocolate. If you can't tell my moods are all over the place. Every song on my 'two weeks of rain' CD has at least 18 plays, it is really all I have been listening to and it is not really helpful either. Once you hit Upward Over the Mountain it's all "blood on the walls, and fleas on their paws, and you cried till the morning" and oh man, Brand New is nothing if not a downer. I don't think the rest of the CD is adequate enough to recover from it.

I was mopey all over the mall this afternoon and I don't know why except that malls always make me feel like an awkward, out-of-place middle schooler and I have no idea why. I'm blaming other people for my own decisions that have led to my conflict with them and I think we're too far gone to fix it. I do not know the boundaries of where relationships are worth trying to salvage.

I cannot be mopey anymore. As much as I want to wear pyjamas and knit on a couch while watching movies and drinking hot chocolate
there is organic chemistry on monday at 8am and I need to read/review/annote three chapters of physics a night to be on schedule for my friday final.
abigailnicole: (not envy)

my roommate (suitemate, actually) has swine flu.
oh shit. and it's more dangerous if you have diabetes...
abigailnicole: (death)

my dream job is floating around the world in a zeppelin, making new things and thinking about them. I also like chemistry.

I have, however, very little motivation to study for the orgo quiz tomorrow. I like ethanol, I like methyl groups and cyclohexanes and 2,4-dimethylpentane. perhaps debo estudiar espanol, for I also have a quiz in that. tomorrow will be a very quizzical day.

I think I shall go as Death for halloween. I need to acquire a top hat and an ankh between now and then.

now all around me the lights grow dim and only mac screens illuminate their owners. I alone burn a solitary lamp in a dark room and pore over foreign languages and foreign substances; we shut the windows as if it will keep out the darkness. my motivation is not here, I wish to build things from air and water vapor. it is time for sleep--goodnight, all
abigailnicole: (mad)

Back in school. Well, the first week, anyway. I'm expecting it to be a lot of work, which is just as well, since I left all my entertaining things (books, knitting, notebooks, even) at home. Perhaps it will force me to study more. I have Organic Chemistry, Spanish, Anthropology, Physics...and labs for orgo, physics, and cell biology. All this stupidly hard stuff is only fifteen hours. Okay.

My room is spectacular. Well, the room isn't, scratch that. The building is pretty spectacular, we have a courtyard? and gates with bicycle racks? and palm fronds and a coffeehouse? It's spectacular. I want to lounge around and enjoy the courtyard. I've never lived somewhere with a courtyard before, it's enchanting. I want to ride my bicycle around at night.

"Whether in a jungle village in Peru or on the streets of New York, the anthropologist goes to where people live and "does fieldwork." This means participating in activities, asking questions, eating strange foods, learning a new language, watching ceremonies, taking fieldnotes, washing clothes, writing letters home, tracing out genealogies, observing play, interviewing informants, and hundreds of other things....."

Oh, anthropology. I just read, in this same article, about someone going into a small Appalachian valley to do fieldwork. This makes me feel so far away from home, so surrounded by strangers. I don't even like Kentucky that much, not to the extent that I miss it extensively and want to be back when I'm gone, but the sense of community doesn't care whether you want it or not. I am relying on familiar artifacts like coke and my cell phone to keep me anchored.

Also let me say that my ultimate technology is small, portable, and I only need one of it. I think this is what we are working towards. Laptop + cell phone + camera.....that's about it, actually. Maybe a very nice coat, and my zeppelin, and I think I could be happy forever.
abigailnicole: (books)
assignment: write an description of a place for Expository Writing. ~600 words. Somewhere where you can observe.

actual thing I wrote: ~1400 words
gray tile and high school )

Should I rewrite or completely redo to match the assignment: yes or no?

oh, and edited to add SECOND OPTION: description of my bed, 880 words. needs revision and possible a metaphor with bricks that crumble with time:

Brick Dust )

quick, choose one! due tomorrow at 2pm.
abigailnicole: (knitting)

o things I have done recently

saturday night I sat at PJs, coffeehouse next to my dorm, and knit on this lovely beret while Evian and Erik read George Eliot and Virginia Woolf respectively. then I watched M*A*S*H for almost twenty-four hours straight off and on, finished season one and half of season two. then Sunday night we finished Firefly at the Saturday-Night-Movie-Orgy. next up: doctor who GET PREPARED.


other than this my life has been boring. good, but not really blog-worthy.
abigailnicole: (Default)

sunset below pine trees in audubon park

my life is unupdateable
all the things I have to say are just lyrics from Muhammad my Friend.
bailey said today: "this is my life". this is also true.
abigailnicole: (Default)

a.) on picture: realized I look bad without makeup again. carrie you will have to retrain me in the art of not putting on makeup and still having self-esteem

b.) leaving tomorrow. church then leave for flight so I will probably not actually post again from KY. I would have something reflective to say on my time here and it is this: home is home and I was glad to have come but I am glad to go back. I am now turning off and packing my laptop, so see yall in new orleans. TMWYWF
abigailnicole: (Default)

  1. HEY GUYS I PUT UP A CHRISMAS LAYOUT, go look at it for the three days before I have to take it down. I should have done this sooner... o well. hurrah!
  2. my gpa is a 3.689. hurrah! (I think?)
  3. also I'm crocheting my firefly River Tam vest. square one done. hurrah!
  4. I get to see hannah and amanda monday! and the party. hopefully Dustin comes. hurrah!
  5. my car is still left-turn-signal-less and dented. it will cost me lots of money. boo...
  6. watching james bond marathons on spike. I think this is not a 'hurrah!' or a 'boo...' but it just is. better than the altermative?

merry day before christmas eve.
abigailnicole: (happy)

o my finals are OVER
I have my friends my date and three bags of chocolate
life is good and so is the weather
it is time to finish watching Firefly.
abigailnicole: (mad)

ladies I love

1. O HAI FINALS HALF OVER YAY. just spanish and chem to go.
2. finally saw an episode of Torchwood! like the first episode of doctor who. kind of awkward and cute and AWWW CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS <3.
3. been trying to write a story about a ghost haunting a house through time. failing miserably at getting to the 'explaining-what's-going-on' part. remember what happens when I write half of something and try to finish it later? the halves don't go together. it's like knitting a scarf. your gague doesn't match up. when you're angry it starts out all tight and tiny little stitches and if you're in a good mood ON THE SAME NEEDLES same thing it will be looser and stretchier and ahhhh. I can't write the same story at two different times. my story last halloween I did that and people were like wait what? 1st half 2nd half what? this is how this story will turn out I believe. it goes with the last story I wrote.
4. I go home SUNDAY!!!! have to knit five scarves, gloves, shoes, a hat. A HAT WITH A MOUSTACHE.
5. doing laundry as I have no clothes. today I am wearing all black. O I AM A NINJA WHAT.
6. crypic boy is cryptic. francisco d'anconia, you know what? you + me FOREVER. we will eat dinner in our cabins alone and it will be okay.
abigailnicole: (epiphany)

can I just say. FINALS. do not want.

next week: presentation in spanish, oral (listening) test in spanish, final composition due in spanish. test thursday in calculus which is 15% of my grade. quiz wednesday in chemistry on gases and part of whatever we're doing monday. have I done any of this? no.

and the week after that! FINALS. which is 40% of my grade in at least two of my four classes. my last final is over Saturday. I fly out Sunday to come home again. it's weird to think that two weeks and one day from today I'll be right back here, on my bed, in my house. I can't seem to find any good way to combine the worlds of home and school (as evidenced by my lack of doing any homework while here). they just...don't coexist well together. I'm still not sure why. it's weird to leave home, it's weird to come back, it's weird to go from doing nothing, watching Voyager for hours with mom to cramming for every single class for two weeks straight. AHHH I don't want that. NOT AT ALL.

come on, kids. BITCH ABOUT FINALS WITH ME. I WANNA HEAR IT. Tell me your finals and what days they're on and how large of a percent they are and how much they are gonna suck. WE CAN COMMISERATE.


abigailnicole: (Default)

March 2013


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